Sooner Be Blue

"And even though there was a lot of coverage of the inauguration here, in Iran, state TV completely ignored it — no film, no radio. It was like the inauguration wasn’t even happening. I’m sorry, that was Fox News." --Jay Leno

"It was announced today they’re coming out with an official Inauguration Day DVD. And listen to this, it’s going to contain a lot of extras, including the Supreme Court Justice John Roberts blooper reel." --Jay Leno

"Well, did you haul hear about this? Because of the flubbed oath of office the other day, Chief Justice John Roberts went over to the White House last night and gave Barack Obama the oath again. Some legal scholars were concerned that the oath was not given properly, we legally did not have anybody at the helm for 36 hours. Thirty-six hours? We haven’t had anybody at the helm for eight years." --Jay Leno

"Today was Hillary Clinton’s first day as Secretary of State. She’s now in charge of all foreign affairs. Bill Clinton will still handle domestic affairs." --Craig Ferguson

"Senator John McCain was on “Larry King Live” earlier tonight, and they talked about the biggest threat facing them today, which is teenagers on their lawn." --Craig Ferguson

"President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It'll shut down." --Jay Leno

"He's really getting tough. Yesterday, President Obama issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists, any gifts to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, today they went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon installed in Dick Cheney's office." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama's president, Michael Jackson said he's thinking about being black again." --Jay Leno

"And while Barack Obama was in the inaugural parade the other day, he was wearing what the Secret Service called a bullet-resistant suit. Did you see that? The suit was made out of what they call 'bullet resistant material.' You know, here's my question, the man's the president. Spend a couple of bucks, go the extra yard, get the 'bullet proof' suit. Okay?" --Jay Leno

"Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to." --Jay Leno

"And there was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there." --Jay Leno

"No, apparently the chief justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word faithfully." --Jay Leno

"Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn't tell a lie, right?" --Jay Leno

"The new season of 'Lost' kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it, 'Lost' is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president." --Jay Leno

"And during the inauguration, Washington, D.C., set up prostitution-free zones. Areas where there is no prostitution? Isn't that supposed to be the whole city, huh? I mean, is Washington so corrupt now we just rope off the areas where people actually follow the law?" --Jay Leno

"All the living ex-presidents attended the swearing-in ceremony. But did you see this? Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, apparently, thousands of women yelled, 'That's him, officer!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Very cold today in Washington. Yeah. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush's approval rating reached minus 13." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that's how you know this war has been going on too long, okay. When our enemies start dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, this is nice, Barack Obama hosted a dinner honoring John McCain. You can tell the dinner was to honor John McCain, because it was over by 4:00 P.M." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"President Bush made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch." --Jimmy Kimmel

Gathered from: http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/