Late-night jokes recap 2/16
"Well, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.'s in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie." --Jay Leno
"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno
"And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, 'God wants me to serve.' But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you can't win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?" --Jay Leno
"When President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, 'See, it's not so easy. Doors are hard.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it's FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States, and it was fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences." --Jay Leno
"How about President Barack Obama's first primetime press conference? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" --David Letterman
"And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what's happened to John McCain since the election." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." --Jay Leno
"And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco." --Jay Leno
