Late-night jokes round-up 4/30/10
"New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler." –Bill Maher
"Arizona is the meth lab of democracy." –Jon Stewart on Arizona's new immigration law
"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out." –Jay Leno
"And the state of Arizona, has a new slogan: 'get out.'" –Jay Leno
"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now." –Jay Leno
"It's an unbelievable law. And it's already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, 'Let's see your papers.'" –Jay Leno
"Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed." –Bill Maher
"The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones." –Jay Leno
"During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country." –Jay Leno
"One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours." –Jay Leno
"Former President Bush is writing his memoir. Writing his autobiography about his eight years in the White House. He's not done with it yet, but he's already put up the mission accomplished banner." –David Letterman
"Former President George W. Bush is working on his memoirs. I'm excited just to hear him pronounce the word 'memoirs.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head slightly turned from the camera, or as Bush calls it, 'posing all serious-like.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism." –Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" –Bill Maher
"What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons?They watch more cartoons than pot-heads." –Bill Maher, re the group threatening the "South Park" creators
[gathered from NYT Laughlines]
