Sooner Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2011/12/12

Latenight jokes round-up 12/12/11

@ 08:22 AM (33 months, 4 days ago)

"Newt Gingrich met with Donald Trump. There's a good combination – two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance of either one of them ever becoming president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"The head of the Federal Aviation Administration … has been arrested on charges of drunk driving. I don't want to say how much the guy drank, but when they pulled him over, he was driving the beverage cart.'" –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain announced he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: 'I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'" –Jon Stewart

"Herman Cain, the Herminator, said 'I will not be silent, and I will not go away.' Then he shut up and left." –David Letterman

"Cain blamed a conspiracy by powerful Democrats intent on destroying him ...I don't think you can blame the Democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor." –Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno

"Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice.'" –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts." –David Letterman

"I like Newt Gingrich. You know who he looks like? He looks like your Dad's old Army buddy, doesn't he?" –David Letterman

"In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb. bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold." –David Letterman

"The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair." –Craig Ferguson

"He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad." –Craig Ferguson

"Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger. Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you, Jesus." –Jon Stewart

"In a new interview at her lawyer's office, Herman Cain's mistress of the past 13 years, this woman Ginger White, said no one has offered to pay her any money for her story. But to be fair no one is buying Herman Cain's story either. I think that's fair." –Jay Leno

"Cain says that he and his wife...everything is fine between them. Though it's not certain this wife still trusts him 100%. Like today Mrs. Cain called Michele Bachmann and asked if she could pray him gay. Does it work that way? Can you pray a guy gay?" –Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Dan Quayle...remember Dan? Potato with an 'e'? He has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. And today Romney said, 'Why are you rushing into this? Newt Gingrich is pretty good. Have you talked to him? That Rick Perry is a handsome...'" –Jay Leno

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]