Sooner Blue

"The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?" –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After winning five primaries, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. 'Well, I guess you're stuck with me.'" –Jay Leno

"Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA." –Jay Leno

"For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards." –Conan O'Brien

"These are jobs that should've gone to American hookers." –David Letterman

"That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here's the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they're going to have one hell of a going-away party." –Conan O'Brien

"The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Eleven Secret Service agents are being investigated. So far one has been fired, one resigned, one retired, and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Google, I am shocked. You stole people's personal information without their permission? That is Facebook's job!" –Jon Stewart

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bitten on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something." –Bill Maher

"The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher, on the Secret Service prostitution scandal

"One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin's detail in 2008 when he was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook – apparently he had a little crush on her – of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, 'I'm checking her out.' Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign." –Bill Maher

"Of course Sarah Palin has to answer this. Today she said, you know what, people are always checking me out. She said, 'I can't count the number of times when I'm walking away, and I hear someone say, 'What an ass.'" –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the Secret Service said they’re interviewing rock star Ted Nugent because of remarks that he made that made them think he might be threatening the President’s life. Now look, I don’t agree with Ted Nugent on almost anything. But to call him a threat is ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as to call him a rock star, but ridiculous nevertheless." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?" –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is unbelievable. There is no level to which he will not stoop. Famously Mitt Romney strapped the dog to the roof of the car. So this week the Romney campaign put out that Obama, when he was six years old living in Indonesia, he ate dog meat and grasshoppers. You know, the number 12. He was six years old! The White House released a statement today saying the president was so sickened by this charge that he ate some grass and threw up." –Bill Maher

"I think the Republican Party is at war with common sense. I think if the Democrats came out against eating yellow snow, Rick Perry would eat yellow snow." –Bill Maher, regarding Rick Perry and other Republican governors eating hamburgers with "pink slime"

"I think Republicans live in a world now where whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong, and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth." –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’" –Bill Maher

"It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan." –Bill Maher

If you feel bad about so much money in this country going to defense, don't forget, if we didn't spend more money on weapons than every other country combined, then Iran could not put the bomb they don't have on the Korean rocket that doesn't work." –Bill Maher

"Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself." –Bill Maher

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman and HBO]

"Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He says people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

"The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans have trouble finding one candidate they really like." –Jay Leno

"Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister." –Jay Leno

"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending." –Jimmy Fallon

"Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it's time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels." –Jimmy Kimmel

"West is a guy that some think should be Mitt Romney's running mate. I would like that. We haven't had a truly crazy vice president . . . well, until now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

"Gingrich is $5 million in debt, and his $500 check to enter the Utah primary bounced. And he's the guy who was going to fix our economy." –David Letterman

"Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don't recognize." –David Letterman

"The White House had the annual Easter Egg Roll - or, as the Republicans call it, 'President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!" –Jay Leno

"According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he's now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don't confuse that with Herman Cain's campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

"George Zimmerman's family has been all over TV. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you'd know about it." –Bill Maher

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]