Sooner Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.


Late-night jokes round-up 4/13/12

@ 08:32 AM (34 months, 2 days ago)

"Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He says people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

"The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans have trouble finding one candidate they really like." –Jay Leno

"Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister." –Jay Leno

"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending." –Jimmy Fallon

"Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it's time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels." –Jimmy Kimmel

"West is a guy that some think should be Mitt Romney's running mate. I would like that. We haven't had a truly crazy vice president . . . well, until now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

"Gingrich is $5 million in debt, and his $500 check to enter the Utah primary bounced. And he's the guy who was going to fix our economy." –David Letterman

"Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don't recognize." –David Letterman

"The White House had the annual Easter Egg Roll - or, as the Republicans call it, 'President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!" –Jay Leno

"According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he's now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don't confuse that with Herman Cain's campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

"George Zimmerman's family has been all over TV. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you'd know about it." –Bill Maher

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]