Sooner Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2012/5/13

Late-night jokes round-up 5/13/12

@ 09:36 AM (23 months, 15 days ago)

"President Obama's re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn't have to apologize for." –Jay Leno

"The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse." –Jay Leno

"My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien

"Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married." –Craig Ferguson

"They're looking for a vice president for Mitt and I said to forget the vice president. You ought to be looking for a personality for Mitt." –David Letterman

"I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray." –David Letterman

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer." –Conan O'Brien

"Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden's compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn't commit suicide." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide." –David Letterman

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' ... And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words. I think they were, 'Who's knocking on my door at this hour?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I'm surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

 

Bill Maher jokes roundup 5/13/12

@ 09:03 AM (23 months, 15 days ago)

"The other big news, Obama’s big surprise visit to Afghanistan this week. And this was a surprise. I mean a surprise! I mean the Secret Service barely had time to get condoms." –Bill Maher

"Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we're winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we're not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech." –Bill Maher

"And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?" –Bill Maher

"Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

"And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?" –Bill Maher

"New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a 'wild ride.' Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland." –Bill Maher

"Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann's husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney." –Bill Maher