Sooner Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2012/5/19

Late-night jokes round-up 5/19/12 ...

@ 01:42 PM (28 months, 13 days ago)

"The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden to like pot." –Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn't even support same-sex car pools." –David Letterman

"Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, 'Now there's a sound investment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service – a place in America where prostitution is legal." –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I'm going to wait and here what Angela Lansbury has to say." –David Letterman

"JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants." –David Letterman

"President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week President Obama was finally outed as a Democrat." –Seth Meyers

"Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama's support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time." –Seth Meyers

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann's husband and cutting his hair." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he's going to turn his birth certificate into a musical." –David Letterman

"My question with the same-sex couples is: Who drives, who nags? Who says let's order dessert and who says I'll just have a bite?" –David Letterman

"After President Obama announced his support for gay marriage, his campaign raised a million dollars in 90 minutes. That explains why today Mitt Romney actually supported gay marriage from noon to 1:30." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?" –Jay Leno

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]