Sooner Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.


Late-night jokes round-up 5/6/12

@ 02:23 PM (34 months, 6 days ago)

"Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service." –Jay Leno

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone." –Jay Leno

"Big medical news — according to the CDC, there's been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases. Be careful." –Jay Leno

"Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don't get drunk and have sex?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he's going to get in prison will be free." –Jay Leno

"During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around with hookers." –David Letterman

"So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a f**king aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's Osama bin Laden ad

"A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well." –Jay Leno

"The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Jay Leno, who turns 62 tomorrow. If you would like to get Jay a gift, you can't go wrong with giving him someone else's show." –David Letterman

"They're calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg." –David Letterman

"A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, 'Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, 'has a big stick.' In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room." –Jimmy Fallon

"Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best." –Conan O'Brien

"A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney." –Conan O'Brien

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]