Sooner Blue

"With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That's kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts playing a rich white guy from Massachusetts." –Jay Leno

"How does that make John Kerry feel? Hey John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. You'd be perfect. Just be yourself." –Jay Leno

"According to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards lied to her when they first met, saying he was seeing three other woman so she wouldn't get attached to him. He lied about that. That's got to be tough to keep straight for Edwards; lying to your wife that you're not seeing another woman, while lying to the other woman that you are seeing three other women. Guys, don't try this; John Edwards is a former trial lawyer and a senator. He is a trained professional liar! You will never, ever be able to keep up with him." –Jay Leno

"Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said 'Leave me alone, I'm having a drink.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It's basically the president saying, "Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called 'Fast and Furious.' I don't know what's scarier: that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president. He's down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia's Vladimir Putin. He said 'I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.' There's no word on how Obama responded." –Craig Ferguson

"There's talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marijuana. Which explains why he's moving his family from the White House to White Castle." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn't want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?" –Jay Leno

"Federal prosecutors also announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he's available!" –Jay Leno

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool." –Bill Maher

"Republicans yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children -- except it turned out they weren't Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, 'Enter around back.'" –Bill Maher

"Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment, and the Republicans of course say, 'This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'" –Bill Maher

"Obama went to Ground Zero. He went up in the new skyscraper being built in the shadow of the World Trade Center, and he inscribed one of the steel beams. He wrote, 'We remember, we rebuild, we come back stronger.' Which was very poignant, especially since Bush had written on it, 'We got hit, I sat in a chair, I peed my pants.' And he misspelled chair." –Bill Maher

"Regular guy Mitt Romney is on a bus tour...he's on a bus through the Midwest called 'Believe in America' because 'Mormon Thunder' was taken." –Bill Maher

"Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side." –Bill Maher

"Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama's speech, Romney's bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge." –Bill Maher

"This really was the campaign in a nutshell. Talk about two divergent messages. They were doing this on the same day in the same state. Obama said, 'The Republicans drove the economy into the ditch and now I'm trying to drive it out.' And Romney said, 'Look, a black guy's stealing our car!" –Bill Maher

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, HBO, Real-Time]

When someone asked Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) whether he plans to bring the Dream Act to a vote in an effort to get Republican senators on record on the immigration issue, he responded: "I don't want to answer that question. That's a clown question, bro."

Reid, of course, was playing with a comment made last week by Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper that quickly went viral.

I can see where this response would come in mighty handy .. I wish to hell that Eric Holder could have used it with Darrell Issa in that hearing today.

Hey, GWBush invoked executive privilege 6 times in 8 years .. so what are all the righties babbling about?

"The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen this video that's gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It's all over the web. At first he said, 'Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?' That's why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it's Chris Christie." –Jay Leno

"China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go." –Jay Leno

"A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay." –David Letterman

"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket." –David Letterman

"Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, 'Why didn't I think of that?.'" –Jay Leno

"Rand Paul...do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet... Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That's got to make for an awkward Father's Day this Sunday, doesn't it? "Hey pop, what do you want for Father's Day?" "I don't know; a little support might be nice!" –Jay Leno

"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." –Bill Maher

"Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music Television Awards. And I'm trying to figure out who has less in common with the country music fan, a Mormon who doesn’t' drink or cheat, or a black guy who's skinny." –Bill Maher

"The effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin failed. This is the worst thing to happen to organized labor in America since the invention of Mexicans." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Rick Scott in Florida is purging the voter roles. It's so over the line that the county election supervisors are refusing to comply. And Gov. Scott said, 'Hey, we just want to remove people in Florida who are either felons, deceased, or here illegally.' Which in Florida leaves only 12 people." –Bill Maher

"Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'" –David Letterman

"Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney's got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon. And it's kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy is already vice president." –Jay Leno

"Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He's going to change the team's name to the New York Smirking Atheists." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, 'I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, 'And they said I can't connect with the poor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." –David Letterman

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

How Baseball Saved My Marriage

One happy hour drink in Orono and now I'm driving up the Penobscot just for kicks, past the bridge to Indian Island, past the just-closed Georgia Pacific plant, tidy yards
of Milford, "Place of a Million Parts" junkyard, the drink still warm in my belly, the strong, true edge of things

glowing with rich clarity in the late summer, late afternoon light. Dylan's tangled up in blue on the radio, dozens of migrating nighthawks flit over fields along the river, crickets shrill in tall grass, window draft tickles my tan shoulders. Later tonight, the Red Sox will win with another Big Papi

walk-off homer that will make me whoop to myself in the car. But for now, I'm moving through Olamon, Passadumkeag, away from the river, into the woods. It's the end of a long day, but there still seems to be plenty of time and road ahead. Something about the light, the beauty of the sky, makes me think I should keep going right on to northern Maine, all the way to Canada. I could just keep driving all night, potato fields
north of Houlton balancing the dark outside my car windows, lights across the St. John beckoning me over the border. I've got a full tank of gas, credit cards in my wallet. I could

drive all the way to Nova Scotia or Prince Edward Island, stay in some quaint inn on a craggy coast, walk low beaches in search of sandpipers heading south from the Arctic.
How far north do roads go? But it grows late, shadows deepen, and so far from home, I realize I don't know the station

broadcasting tonight's game. So it's finally baseball that curbs my sudden wanderlust. It's the simple pleasure of a good game coming up that makes me turn around to re-enter the bubble of radio reception, to start the long drive back to everything familiar and well-loved.

"How Baseball Saved My Marriage" by Kristen Lindquist, from Transportation. © Megunti Cook Press, 2011. Reprinted with permission.