Late-night jokes round-up 6/18/12
"The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for." –Jay Leno
"Have you seen this video that's gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It's all over the web. At first he said, 'Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?' That's why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it's Chris Christie." –Jay Leno
"China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go." –Jay Leno
"A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay." –David Letterman
"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket." –David Letterman
"Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, 'Why didn't I think of that?.'" –Jay Leno
"Rand Paul...do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet... Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That's got to make for an awkward Father's Day this Sunday, doesn't it? "Hey pop, what do you want for Father's Day?" "I don't know; a little support might be nice!" –Jay Leno
"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." –Bill Maher
"Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music Television Awards. And I'm trying to figure out who has less in common with the country music fan, a Mormon who doesn’t' drink or cheat, or a black guy who's skinny." –Bill Maher
"The effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin failed. This is the worst thing to happen to organized labor in America since the invention of Mexicans." –Bill Maher
"Gov. Rick Scott in Florida is purging the voter roles. It's so over the line that the county election supervisors are refusing to comply. And Gov. Scott said, 'Hey, we just want to remove people in Florida who are either felons, deceased, or here illegally.' Which in Florida leaves only 12 people." –Bill Maher
"Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'" –David Letterman
"Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney's got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon. And it's kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy is already vice president." –Jay Leno
"Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He's going to change the team's name to the New York Smirking Atheists." –Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, 'I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible." –Jimmy Fallon
"A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, 'And they said I can't connect with the poor.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." –David Letterman
[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]
