Bill Maher 12/2
From Bill Maher's HBO show "Real Time"...
Read the rest of this entry ... (436 words left)
Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.
2008/12/2
2008/11/12
Bill Maher's New Rules 11/12/08
From Bill Maher's HBO show, "Real Time"...
[..] And finally, New Rule: Now that you've lost, Republicans have to agree not to waste everyone's time spending the next four years screaming for investigations of Barack Obama over made-up bullshit. Let's not kid ourselves. The hardcore Republican base is like a stalker; rejection just makes them crazier. You think Matt Drudge was a vindictive prick before? His headline Wednesday morning was, "Senior Citizen and Woman Beaten by Black Man." You see, because McCain is old and then there was the woman, and Obama is a black man. And wait till you see Ann Coulter's new book, How to Field Dress a Liberal.
You know, there's loyal opposition and then there's just opposition. Let's not do the '90s again, except for the part where we have peace and prosperity. You know, there was an entire industry back then dedicated to making Bill Clinton's life miserable over expensive haircuts and old land deals and the Lincoln Bedroom and getting blown. But this ain't the '90s. We've got two wars, a melting planet, and the only thing keeping the economy from total collapse is Sarah Palin shopping sprees.
I don't want to hear Sean Hannity say that, "Barack Obama announced that his daughters would be getting a puppy. A puppy from where? Probably a Chihuahua that came in from Mexico illegally. And how do we know this isn't a dog that pals around with terriers?"
You know, when Obama starts a pre-emptive war, and then f*cks it up, and makes torture our official policy and outs a CIA agent, and purges U.S, Attorneys, and tries to put his cleaning lady on the Supreme Court--and doesn't act on global warming, and appoints as the head of FEMA an ex-dildo salesman who was his college roommate--you know, that kind of stuff, believe me, I'll be with you. But, until then, I don't want to see Republicans freaking out if Obama isn't singing the National Anthem loud enough, or they find out he gets his suits made in France.
And, mostly, I don't want to hear about ACORN. Your guy lost by eight million votes. Just because you don't know any black people doesn't mean they don't exist.
So, that's it. No special prosecutors, no trumped up investigations. If Republicans really want to look into something for the next four years, my suggestion: try a mirror.
2008/10/6
Shiftless, thieving corporate welfare queens
From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher...New Rules:
New Rule: A candidate for president should not be judged by the color of his skin. And to anyone who thinks differently, I say, please do not reject John McCain just because he's white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant, and only reinforced the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.
New Rule: A candidate for president should not be judged by the color of his skin. And to anyone who thinks differently, I say, please do not reject John McCain just because he's white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant, and only reinforced the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.
Now, take a look at these pictures. Here are the CEO's of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG and the Lehman Brothers. I know the first thing that jumps out about these faces is they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But, what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way.
It was the neighborhoods and the schools they went to: Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business.
They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step to fixing that is better role models so kids growing up white today don't think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime.
Or a government handout. Or sailing.
So, I get it. The temptation is to look at McCain and vote against him because you don't see an individual; you just see another typical welfare "whitey."
And it's true. He spent his entire life shuffling from one low-paying government job to another. Well, except those years he spent in prison. Typical. And, between you and me, he's not very articulate.
Oh, he may have some street smarts, but he's not what you'd call an "educated" man. He freely admits he's ignorant about the economy.
But, that doesn't mean we should assume all white people are like that just because so many of them are. I believe there is hope. I believe even the stupidest, greediest, laziest whites can break the cycle of dependence, like this November when we finally move George Bush out of public housing.
2008/9/23
Bill Maher new rule
New Rule: Just because you live in the middle of nowhere doesn't make you more authentic than me. It just means you have a much longer drive to the airport.
Now, ever since Sarah Palin came along, this election has been falsely framed as a contest between salt-of-the-earth, small-time maverick westerners and snooty eastern elites. You know, there's people who go to church on Sunday, and there's people who go to brunch.
Even fast-talking, cross-dressing Rudy Giuliani - the former mayor of New York City - accused Obama of being too cosmopolitan. That's like being called a douche-bag by Andy Dick.
And...and listen to Mitt Romney from the same convention. He said, "If America really wants change, it's time to look for the sun in the west, because it's about to rise and shine from Arizona and Alaska." Of course, if the sun actually did rise in the west, that would mean the earth is spinning backwards and we'd all fly into space. But, then Mormons were never big on science. As you well know.
But, what Mitt was getting at is that the East Coast is where all the liberals, with their bad ideas, come from. You know, bad ideas like the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. As opposed to the brilliant ideas that have come out of the west like frontier justice and wearing cowboy boots with a suit.
The ideas this nation was founded on came from the most cosmopolitan people of their day, the founding fathers, who believed in science, who looked to Europe for wisdom, and who had no use for ignorant hicks like Bush and Palin.
Truth is - the truth is, as America moved west and got farther away from its birthing in Boston and Philadelphia, it became less American, not more. We keep hearing about small-town values, you know, like shooting wolves from an airplane or forcing your daughter into a doomed, loveless marriage.
Cities are about diversity of thought. Small towns are about...well, crystal meth. And, last year, police found 42 meth labs in Sarah Palin's home county. Drug addiction is a terrible thing, but apparently it beats living in Wasilla sober.
There's so much meth in this town, I'm surprised the Palins didn't have a kid named "Tweaker."
2008/8/23
Bill Maher on religion, part 2
(From the Larry King Show 8/19) KING: I asked Rick Warren if he could vote for -- would America vote for an atheist? And he said never, because in his opinion, he could never vote for someone who did not believe in a higher authority than himself or herself.
MAHER: Well, but see, I used to read parts of Rick Warren's book onstage in my standup act. It produced, I promise you, gales of laughter, because the idea that any person on earth can tell you with such specifics what happens when you die just blows my mind.
That somebody on earth, another person, can just say to you, "Oh, yes. And what happens when you get to heaven? Yes. You'll meet Jesus. He's wearing a white robe. There's a little gold piping on the sleeve. And then you go in this room and eat eggs and you watch 'F Troop'."
Are you kidding? What are you talking about? You're just a person like I am. You are clueless. You have no idea what happens.
KING: Don't you think Rick believes it?
MAHER: Of course he believes it, but how -- how ridiculous is that? Like, if I went to the Himalayas to find the holiest of holy men in the world who had all the answers, the guru. And I got to the top of the mountain. I said, "Please, master, can you help me with the ultimate meaning of life?"
He'd say, "Yes. There's a guy Rick in Long Beach, Rick Warren. Go ask him. He knows exactly what happens when you die." And, you know, that is my ultimate message. Unless a god told you personally what happens when you die, it all came from another person with no more mental powers than you have, and you don't know. So just man up and say, "I don't know." But they believe.
KING: And belief -- belief is a tough thing to counter.
MAHER: Yes. And I understand why it's a luxury for some people who don't need it and why a lot of people are less fortunate, and they do need it.
So we're not trying to point fingers in this movie. I think we do it -- we're laughing all the way through it. I think we're winking and having a good time, and we're not trying to be judgmental. But at some point, you know, mankind is going to have to shed this skin if he's going to move forward. I do have a serious intellectual problem with it.
And on another level it just ticks me off. It's just the ultimate hustle. It's just "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." You know, why can't they, I always ask -- I asked (the actor) Jesus at Holy Land, "Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil?"
You know, and it's the same reason the comic-book character can't get rid of his nemesis. Then there's no story. If God gets rid of the devil -- and he could, he's all powerful -- well, then there's no fear. There's no reason to come to church. There's no reason to pass the plate. We're all out of a job. You know, it's got to go on.
CALLER: Bill, for years, Evangelicals never cared about pollution and the destruction of our environment. They only cared about making converts. Do you think the Evangelicals' new found mission to now save the environment is because they realize it's smart business to appear politically correct?
MAHER: Wow, what a well thought question. ...Very good. Thank you. That's one reason why I'm saying Rick Warren is a big improvement, is that he cares about the environment, poor people. He's actually -- has read the New Testament, I think. So there's a Christ-like, not just a Christian element to him. So, great. If they throw their lot in with saving the Earth, that's fantastic.
One reason I have always been anti-Evangelical and people who take the Bible literally is because ... Slavery is OK with the Bible, keeping women down, and honor killings and let's not even go into how bad they are to people. But animals, you know, the Bible says man can have dominion over animals. And also they believe people have a soul, whatever that is, but animals don't. So do whatever you want with them.
So if they're getting more on the page of being kind to animals and helping the environment, then sign me up.
KING: Do you believe it?
MAHER: Yes, I do. I don't doubt their sincerity. I doubt their -- you know, I always say it's a neurological disorder. I doubt that part of their mind that's walled off. I want to knock down that door. And, you know, I think this movie ("Religulous") is going to be that for a lot of people. It's going to be the anti-"Passion of the Christ." For all the people who liked that movie, there's another crowd.
[Caller asks question about weak minded people]
MAHER: ...Jesse Ventura had that great quote, religion is a crutch for weak minded people who need strength in numbers. Pretty harsh words from somebody who I think was governor at the time.
MAHER: ...Jesse Ventura had that great quote, religion is a crutch for weak minded people who need strength in numbers. Pretty harsh words from somebody who I think was governor at the time.
KING: He was.
MAHER: I don't know how it's more weak minded to be the one who is saying, look, I don't know what happens when you die. So I'm just going to say I don't know. That, to me, seems a more honest approach than believing in --
KING: Well, in truth, don't most people think that? Wouldn't you gather that they don't know? Because if they knew, why would they fear it so much?
MAHER: Right.
KING: Why would they not -- why would you not -- why fear death?
MAHER: You know, I agree. I've never been the person who's been troubled by those big questions. I've never been able to answer them and I know I never will. And you just give yourself a headache thinking about them. I mean, if you start thinking about these things, you kind of get down to why is there anything? Try to ponder that one afternoon...
KING: Why is there anything?
MAHER: Well, like if the universe begins at a certain point, what was before the universe? Nothing. But how can nothing -- we can't contemplate that, because nothing is something. See, there may be answers. I'm not saying that there isn't something out there. I'm not strictly an atheist. An atheist is certain there's no god.
KING: That's a religion.
MAHER: Sort of. You know, people say could it be Jesus? Yes, it could be Jesus. It also could be Furbee or the lint in my navel. I have a feeling it's probably not something that smacks of the story that bronze-age men would write down, people who didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why their women got pregnant.
You know, if the Bible was written by a god who's beyond time, it wouldn't be so limited to the morays of that era.
