Sooner Be Blue

Gah, my traffic hits were over the moon yesterday...so here's the latest batch of Spitzer jokes.

 

"It's so sunny and bright outside that earlier today, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel squinting." --David Letterman

 

"Spitzer was told about the evidence against him on Friday. On Friday, last Friday. How about that? I'm thinking, 'Wow, somebody had a worse weekend than I did.'" --David Letterman

 

"He went through this call girl thing. ... He was known as a regular customer. He was known as Client 9. It looks now like Client 9 will soon be looking for wife number 2." --David Letterman

 

"You know, I'm a half-full kind of guy. I always try to put a positive spin on stuff. Sure, it's a horrible story. On the other hand, you look at it this way, he was supporting New York's number one industry." --David Letterman

 

"I don't know about you, but when I heard about this scandal here's the first thing I thought. I said, 'Woah, there's another success for eHarmony.com.'" --David Letterman

 

"They're talking about impeaching Eliot Spitzer if he doesn't step down. And I'm thinking, 'Whoa, a Democrat being impeached for extramarital sex. Happy days are here again.'" --David Letterman

 

"Here's one that is kind of cute. He would get the hookers, the call girls, the prostitutes, the whores, and he would run them down, put them on the train, Amtrak. Like they need more publicity. And he'd run them down to Washington, DC, and they'd check into a beautiful suite and have the rendezvous at a place called the Mayflower Hotel. Now that's the difference between a Democratic and a Republican sex scandal. The Republicans have their rendezvous at an airport men's room" --David Letterman

 

"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? ... It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

 

"As I'm sure you know by now, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he was involved in a prostitution ring. Now this is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution ring. So apparently, it was for not giving him good service." --Jay Leno

 

"This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to a governor, I guess, since Arnold Schwarzenegger did 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno

 

"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno

 

"Well, you know something, this shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean, you got Democrats. Now, they're supposed to be poor, right? Don't Democrats traditionally represent the poor people? They're paying $5,000 an hour for sex. You got the Republicans. They're supposed to be rich, right? They're cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. What's going on?" --Jay Leno

 

"Do you ever notice politics is the only profession when a guy gets caught with a hooker, the wife has to stand by his side. You know, if this guy was a plumber and he got caught with a prostitute, he'd have his wife's SUV tire tracks over his head." --Jay Leno

 

"The New York Times reported that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a customer of a high-end prostitution ring, that the prostitutes knew him as Client #9. Client #9, yeah. Not surprisingly, clients one through eight were Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien

 

"It's getting serious, though. Republicans in New York have given Governor Spitzer an ultimatum. That if he doesn't resign, they'll push for impeachment. Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'How about you just spank me, we'll call it even?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"But a lot of rumors about what is going to happen. If Governor Spitzer does resign over his prostitution scandal, it's been reported that he will go into private practice as a lawyer. That's what he's going to do. Yeah. When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"It hasn't been a great week for Governor Eliot Spitzer. This is a guy who built a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Spitzer is named as 'Client #9.' Allegedly, Client #9 wired money to something called the Emperor's Club, which is an online service that provides high-end hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank. Client #9 deposited $4,300 into his account and then he had a two-hour interlude with a prostitute name 'Kristen.' Which I think means he has two thousand dollars of credit left over. That'll come in handy -- with all the stress, he's gonna need to blow off some steam." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Spitzer held a press conference yesterday, where he apologized to his constituents and to his family. He didn't take questions. He went right home, where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Actually, she stood right next to him in the press conference. That is always amazing to me, how these guys get their wives to stand there and support them. ... I don't know what kind of zombie chow they put in these women's food, but it's mind-boggling. ... I don't want to rub it in to any of you visiting from New York, but here in California, our governor doesn't have to pay for sex. When he wants it, he takes it." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York has been linked to a prostitution ring. Wow. What a day for the media. Here they thought yesterday would just be another day spent feigning interest in the concerns of regional voters." --Jon Stewart

 

"The feds caught the governor when they became suspicious of some irregular money wire transfers that the governor had made. And then they tapped his phones and monitored his text messages. Basically they thought this was a bribery case and it wasn't. If only someone experienced in law enforcement could have given Eliot Spitzer better advice [on screen: Spitzer saying, 'Never talk when you can nod, never nod when you can wink and never write it in e-mail because it's death. You're giving prosecutors all the evidence we need']. In Spitzer's defense, he probably forgot he said that because it's hard to concentrate when you are getting a $2,000 [bleep]job." --Jon Stewart

 

"And so ensnared in a trap he so shrewdly told others how to avoid, it was time for Governor Spitzer to join the shame parade, to follow in the footsteps of the faithless -- New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, Louisiana Senator David Vitter, President Clinton, even Gary Hart a quarter century ago -- all contrite, all following the simple rule of public humiliation, bring a date. [on screen: Spitzer appearing at his presser with wife Silda Wall Spitzer]" --Jon Stewart

 

"Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and explain this. When a man loves a woman very much, they share a very special kind of transaction. Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it. But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk. In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers." --Lewis Black

 

"Obviously the big story today is still Governor Eliot Spitzer's involvement with a prostitution ring. ... We're not going to be talking about it on this show. The man said he was sorry and I believe him. He is obviously sorry. ... I would like to thank the governor on behalf of husbands everywhere. It's not often that you walk in the door and say, 'Honey, I'm home and I didn't go to a prostitute,' and that gets you a hug.--Stephen Colbert

 

And in other news:
"Are you getting a little more excited about the presidential race now? ... Remember when it was 140 people running for president and you didn't know who they were? Now we're down to three. And the latest is Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain, they've all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." --Jay Leno

 

"Yesterday in Mississippi, Barack Obama told the crowd he is not interested in being Hillary Clinton's running mate, saying, he didn't know how he could be offered the lesser job if he's in first place. Come to think of it, I was wondering that myself." --Jay Leno

 

"Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don't think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O." --Jay Leno