"In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects." --Jay Leno
"One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'" --Jay Leno
"You know, McCain is described as a GOP maverick. He's a Republican maverick. Do you know what that means? Say that to Mark Foley and Larry Craig, that just means he's a straight guy. See, there aren't a lot of those left." --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney was the big winner in Nevada, just one day after appearing on the 'Tonight Show.' Coincidence? ... And to give you an idea how hard he worked for that win, at one point, he actually loosened his tie. ... That's a big thing for white guys. They loosen the tie, that means they're working." --Jay Leno
"Pundits say that Mitt Romney may actually be too good looking to be president. Well, that's what keeps me from running. ... Mitt Romney looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership. ... Mitt Romney looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial." --David Letterman
"For McCain in South Carolina -- vindication. In 2000, everybody remembers he won New Hampshire against George W. Bush. And then when he went down to South Carolina, it was all kinds of negative campaigning that said that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, and George W. Bush ended up winning that race down there because of that story. Because if McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, South Carolinians felt that he would be plagiarizing from Strom Thurmond, and they didn't think that was right." --Jon Stewart
"Because it's a long, horrifying process to run for the nomination, candidates often like to have fun on the campaign trail. And a couple of days ago -- this is great -- Hillary Clinton, while she was flying on her campaign airplane, pretended to be a flight attendant. But that's not all. She was so convincing that Bill actually hit on her" --David Letterman
"At the big Democratic debate the other night, NBC would not allow presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high enough. How ironic is that? NBC saying your ratings are too low. That's like Britney Spears going, 'What are you nuts?'"--Jay Leno
"Republican candidate Mike Huckabee said, when he was in college, he used to use a popcorn popper to fry up squirrels. They'd fry up squirrels and eat them. And people thought this would hurt him in the polls. It turns out, in South Carolina, they went up 30 points."--David Letterman
"The state of Idaho now proposing a bill to let liquor stores stay open on election day, which I think is a good idea. With these candidates, would you want to vote sober? No, I don't think anybody would."--David Letterman
"The American Civil Liberties Union is defending America's favorite restroom enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig. 'Mr. Urinal,' they call him. Remember, he's the senator who got caught soliciting sex in the men's room at the Minneapolis airport. Well, now the ACLU said that sex in a public restroom is considered private if the door is closed. That's something to think about the next time you're putting that tissue liner around the toilet bowl" --Jay Leno
"There was one embarrassing moment when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I don't want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID." --Jay Leno
"These pundits can be very unfair, like they always ask Barack Obama if he's black enough. Nobody asks Mitt Romney if he's white enough. I guess he is white enough." --Jay Leno
"While he was in Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno
"Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism." --Jay Leno
"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno
"Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. ... Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney" --Jay Leno
