"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno
"He's gonna be 74 next week. In fact, the good news, if Ralph gets sick, his younger brother, Raul Nader, will then take over." --Jay Leno
"Well, you know who's thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He's not the oldest guy anymore." --Jay Leno
"I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. ... He looks like a guy you would see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-state plates. ... Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn't know whether to retire or start shooting." --David Letterman
"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" --David Letterman
"And former presidential candidate -- what's his name? Oh, Chris Dodd of Connecticut has given his endorsement to Barack Obama. Wow, you know what that means? Dozens of votes for Obama." --Jay Leno
"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." --Jay Leno
"And God bless him, Ralph Nader running for president again. Yeah, yeah! Nader says he's running for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't run, there wouldn't have been a President Bush." --Jay Leno
"A lot of controversy still about the photo somebody released of Obama wearing a turban. You know, they originally said Clinton's camp did it, and they said we didn't do it. If I was Barack Obama, I would have worn the turban to the debate tonight. That's why I'm not running for president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama accused Hillary of wanting to have it both ways [on screen: Obama saying, 'You can't take credit for everything that is good in the Clinton administration and suddenly say you don't want to take credit for what folks don't like about the Clinton administration']. Yeah, you can't cherry pick from your long record of public service. That's why I, Barack Obama, don't have one." --Jon Stewart
"It is a sad day for America. Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama is a terrorist [on screen: Obama in a traditional Somali dress]. This is the only possible explanation for him wearing this outfit unless he is a waiter at a Middle Eastern restaurant, or an extra in Disney's 'Aladdin On Ice,' or some teenagers teepeeed him. Terrible." --Stephen Colbert
"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno
"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now, they're building a shelf for the book." --Jay Leno
"Now, as you probably know, President Bush's wife, Laura, was a librarian when they met. Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library" --Jay Leno
"Ralph Nader announced he is running for president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans." --Craig Ferguson
"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno
"No, they say this woman traveled around with McCain on his campaign stops, and she also flew aboard his private jet. Do you know what you call a young woman traveling around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, John McCain said he was disappointed with the story. His friend, Rudy Giuliani, said he was very upset by the story. I tell you, you know who was really angry? Mitt Romney. He said, 'Why couldn't this happen two weeks ago?'" --Jay Leno
"The New York Times printed a story that said ... in John McCain's last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to c--kblock the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. ... John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" --Bill Maher
"But I know what you're thinking, a Republican politician ... with a woman?" --Bill Maher
"Come on, what girl could resist? An old guy with anger problems and a bus." --Bill Maher
"Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien
"The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno
"According to the New York Times, John McCain may have had an inappropriate relationship with a young blond. That sounds like presidential material to me." --David Letterman
"I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine: 'Hello, is that - hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?' He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote: 'Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello?'" --David Letterman
"But, I want to tell you something, the Republicans, they're not taking this scandal lightly. They are very concerned about this new scandal, yes, they are. But, on the bright side, it doesn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state - the state of denial, ladies and gentlemen. Well, after winning 10 in a row, political experts say there's a very good chance that Barack Obama could end up as our next president. See, that shows you the progress we've made in this country. We can have a black man in the White House. I remember when we couldn't get a black man in the cast of 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno
"There was a big story in The New York Times about Senator John McCain, it questioned his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. The story 'hinted' that McCain may have had an extramarital affair with her, but the weird thing is she looks almost exactly like John McCain's wife, Cindy. So he might have just got confused and grabbed the wrong woman. These two look more alike than the Olson twins." --Jimmy Kimmel
