Sooner Be Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2008/9/6

Late-night jokes recap 9/6

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@ 07:18 AM (14 months, 7 days ago)

"Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
 
"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see." --Jay Leno
 
"Palin said that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention." --Jay Leno
 
"And they said that Governor Palin was coached by some of John McCain’s senior advisers. Senior advisers? The guy is 72. How old are these guys? … Are they left over from the Bull Moose Party?" --Jay Leno
 
"In her speech, Sarah Palin mocked Obama…for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop." --Jay Leno
 
"No, Palin had everybody mesmerized. Even Senator Larry Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat." --Jay Leno
 
"They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words." --Jay Leno
 
"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno
 
"I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno
 
"Sarah Palin also said that when she was governor, it was not uncommon for her to bring her children to work with her. But it is not going to work out bringing kids to the White House. McCain yelling out the window, 'Get off the lawn!'" --Jay Leno
 
"One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids -- always clean up your own mess." --Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien
 
"We're learning more and more about John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. ... It turns out Sarah Palin, a life-time member of the National Rifle Association, and a firm believer in shotgun weddings." --Jay Leno
 
"Well the good news: John McCain raised $47 million in the month of August. The bad news? He can't remember where he put it." --Jay Leno
 
"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno
 
"Republicans think she's a pretty good running mate for McCain. They feel she can bring in women voters, she's got a good conservative voting record, and she doesn't mind eating dinner at 4:30, and that's important." --Jay Leno
 
"It turns out Governor Palin is a lifelong member of the NRA and a life-time hunter. Another vice president who's a hunter. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno
 
"She also admitted she has smoked marijuana, but she did not enjoy it. Isn't that amazing? Something like 100 million Americans have smoked marijuana, but the only ones who don't seem to enjoy it are the ones running for office. Why is that?" --Jay Leno
 
"Well, John Edwards, who was scheduled to speak in October at the University of Illinois, has raised his speaking fee from $55,000 to $65,000. Well, he has another mouth to feed. And another mouth he has to keep quiet." --Jay Leno
 
"And you've got to love this: Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there? That's all you need, right?" --David Letterman
 

2008/8/10

Late-night jokes recap 8/10

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@ 06:41 AM (15 months, 4 days ago)
 
"Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected." --Jay Leno
 
"The big presidential debates coming up. Are we still excited about that? Barack Obama wants to debate about foreign policy, and John McCain wants to debate about the big band era." --David Letterman
 
"Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That's, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better." --Jay Leno
 
"Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free." --Jay Leno
 
"Hey, you see John McCain was at the country's biggest motorcycle rally. He was in Sturgis, South Dakota. You know, where all the Harley guys go? McCain showed up in a customized Rascal scooter." --Jay Leno
 
"Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Good, yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear." --Conan O'Brien
 
"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien
 
"They say John McCain is 71, but people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the Wagon Train was attacked." --David Letterman
 
"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien
 
"Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses. McCain wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien
 
"Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it. Don't they? They got so much done this year: solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellows." --Jay Leno
 
"You ever notice that Congress doesn't even call it a vacation? You know what they call it? A recess. You ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress, kindergarten and juries? Those are the only three." --Jay Leno
 
"I don't know if you noticed this. Last week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned the lights out on Congress while the Republicans were talking. She killed the microphones and turned the lights off. Yeah, yeah. The Republicans called this outrageous, except, of course, for Senator Larry Craig, who called it romantic." --Jay Leno
 
"Oh, you hear about this? Here you go. Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. She's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno
 
"Oh, and the McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being elitist and using the race card. Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being old and using the Discover card." --Jay Leno
 
"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno
 
"They say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno
 
"As you know, the McCain campaign ran that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those." --Jay Leno
 
"In a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, researchers report that the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is down by 11 percent, and a lot of them are returning home. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, when illegal immigrants are fleeing to Mexico for a better way of life!" --Jay Leno
 
"Some good unemployment news, President Bush will be out of work soon." --Jimmy Kimmel
 

2008/7/11

Late-night jokes recap 7/11

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@ 07:11 PM (16 months, 3 days ago)
 
"Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I've got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don't know, Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama's nuts off. That's what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News." --Conan O'Brien
 
"Jesse 'The Nutcracker' Jackson said, he made the comments when he thought the mic was off. Well that makes it so much better, does it really! I never would have said that if I thought I was gonna get caught! Here's my question, why would Jesse Jackson ever go anywhere unless the mic was on? Right? He's Jesse Jackson!" --Jay Leno
 
"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child." --Jay Leno
 
"I don't, I don't think Jesse learned his lesson, today he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain Medicare." --Jay Leno
 
"Now McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former senator Phil Gramm, who called America 'a nation of whiners' and said the country is only in a 'mental recession.' Just a mental recession. Like the $5 a gallon gas, and the bank kicking you out of your house -- that's all in your mind!" --Jay Leno
 
"This week, Iran test-fired nine missiles, and the White House said this is the sort of thing that could disrupt the Middle East peace process. Just when things were going so well. We had this big love-fest going! I hope this doesn't, ruin it, in any way!" --Jay Leno
 
"And, for the first time in American history, Congress's approval rating has fallen to just 9%, 9%. You don't know how bad that is - the oil companies are at 12%." --Jay Leno
 
"John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event yesterday, John McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. That's what he said. Yeah, mainly cause all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy. 'We should just try, just a little.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"Jesse Jackson is now apologizing to Barack Obama for some extremely crude comments he made about Obama after an interview on Fox News. Jackson didn't know the microphone was on and he said some nasty stuff. So yet another reverend Obama has to distance himself from. What is this, this guy has the worst luck with preachers of anybody I know! Oh man!" --Jay Leno
 
"And the African-American cable network TV One is coming under fire for its plans to cover the Democratic convention, but not the Republican convention. And believe me, black Republicans are very upset -- both of them." --Jay Leno
 
"This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages." --Jay Leno
 
"The Democratic party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium, and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic convention. Those are the two things they announced. Yeah, which begs the question: where are they gonna find 80,000 Americans who don't eat fried food? It's not gonna happen." --Conan O'Brien
 
"See, that shows you the difference between the two parties, the Democrats have nothing fried, the Republicans like everything covered in oil, so you have a real choice." --Jay Leno
 
"Well, happy birthday to President Bush, he turned 62 last Sunday. 62 years old. ... He is now twice his approval rating, that's amazing." --Jay Leno
 
"President Bush was in Japan for the big G-8 summit. The G-8 Summit is where the world's top economies get together. The bad news -- we are no longer one of them." --Jay Leno
 
"Yeah. Actually there was one embarrassing moment for the President at the G-8 Summit, they asked him if he supported alternative drilling, and he said he was fine with them as long as they don't get married." --Jay Leno
 
"Actually, you know what's interesting, here's some interesting political trivia for you. The last time that the Democrats had their convention in Denver was when they nominated William Jennings Bryant in 1908. And coincidentally, you know who the Republican nominee was that year? John McCain. It's amazing." --Jay Leno
 
"Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"McCain, of course, also out there. In Denver, a 60 year-old woman was kicked out of a John McCain rally for heckling him. Yeah, afterwards McCain said 'I'm just not popular with young women.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening " --Jay Leno
 
"And Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno
 
"And here's a comment many people are calling racist, this is a stupid thing to say, it seems a Republican party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That's what he said, stupid thing, that's what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate." --Jay Leno
 
"Actually, speaking of John McCain, I thought this was nice, John McCain went to North Carolina last week to visit 89 year-old evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham, and he was frail and confused and couldn't visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great ... very sharp." --Jay Leno
 
"And President Bush, trying to get up to speed on this energy crisis, and not a moment too soon, this guy is on top of everything. But Bush said now he's not just for offshore drilling, but now he says he's looking for other alternatives -- like today he supports drilling for solar energy, see I don't think he quite understands, I think he's a little confused" --Jay Leno
 
"Over the Fourth of July, did you hear this, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former president Thomas Jefferson. That's right, yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when President Bush said 'I'd like to salute both President Thomas Jefferson and his wife Wheezy.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien

2008/6/28

Late-night jokes recap 6/28

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@ 06:14 AM (16 months, 17 days ago)
 
"I don't know if you know this, but John McCain now he's got a bandage on his head. Did you see that, John McCain? The poor guy, he's got a bandage on his head. Here's what happened. Apparently he tried to answer the iron." --David Letterman
 
"Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she'll consider making him as her running mate." --David Letterman
 
"Here's good news -- Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn't that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I'm thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader." --David Letterman
 
"Californians now driving across the border to get cheap gas in Mexico. Here's another tip. Instead of gas, try using Rite Aid vodka. Much cheaper, and about the same mileage." --David Letterman
 
"Hey, there was an interesting study released today which says that people who live here in the state of California are less convinced that there is a God than the people of any other state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires here in California are currently burning out of control." --Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Both McCain and Senator Barack Obama are trying to woo voters who are outside their natural demographic. In this election, for Senator Obama, that means trying to reach working class, non-Muslim white women who love America." --Jon Stewart
 
"According to a recent Pentagon report, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno
 
Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman
 
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
 
"In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. Yeah, when he heard this, Jeb said, 'Please stop reminding everyone we're related. Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"This week, residents of a Romanian village decided to reelect their dead mayor rather than vote for the younger man running against him. Yeah, when he heard about it, John McCain said, 'That's a good sign.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table that thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno

2008/5/24

Late-night jokes recap 5/24

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@ 07:42 AM (17 months, 22 days ago)
 
"Don't discount this Hillary, because she's nothing if not shrewd, also. These people, they are professional politicians. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? ... Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She's going to marry John McCain." --David Letterman
 
"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno
 
"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno
 
"They say what's driving up the price of oil is a belief in the futures market that there will be a shortage in five years. Okay, so raise the price in five years!" --Jay Leno
 
"Barack Obama is now focusing on John McCain, is calling it 'a contest of the past versus the future.' How many people wish it were the future and this election was already in the past? Are you sick of it? The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain's medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up." --Jay Leno
 
"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman
 
"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien
 
"Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him, part of the ceremony. The Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." --Conan O'Brien
 
"Well, the Democratic primaries are almost over. Next month, one of the last Democratic primaries will be held in the state of Montana. ... Barack Obama was expected to win the support of Montana's black voters, but they both moved to Idaho." --Conan O'Brien
 
"You know, this election is like a bad NBC show. You can't believe it's still on the air." --Jay Leno
 
"They showed Hillary on the news at a mall, trying on three or four different pairs of reading glasses with the tags hanging down. Apparently, she's having trouble seeing the handwriting on the wall." --Jay Leno
 
"Actually, did you hear Hillary's new campaign slogan? 'Hell, no, I won't go! Hell, no, I won't go!'" --Jay Leno
 
"And then John McCain unveiled his new slogan. 'Hey, you, get off my lawn!'" --Jay Leno
 
"Barack Obama visited the Crow Nation, where he was formally adopted into the tribe and given his own Indian name. His Indian name is 'One Who Helps People Throughout the Land.' Hillary Clinton also given an Indian name. 'Lady Who Doesn't Know it's Over.' And of course, John McCain was given an Indian name, 'Man who fought with Custer,' I believe. There is still a little animosity." --Jay Leno
 
"Barack Obama got a big endorsement last week. Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who, believe it or not, is a former exulted cyclops of the KKK, no kidding around, said he will cast his superdelegate vote for Barack Obama. Not a great time for Hillary Clinton when even former Klan members are supporting Barack Obama." --Jimmy Kimmel
 
"President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? ... A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle." --Jay Leno