Sooner Be Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2008/2/28

Late-night jokes recap 2/28

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@ 07:01 AM (4 months, 11 days ago)
 
"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno
 
"He's gonna be 74 next week. In fact, the good news, if Ralph gets sick, his younger brother, Raul Nader, will then take over." --Jay Leno
 
"Well, you know who's thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He's not the oldest guy anymore." --Jay Leno
 
"I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. ... He looks like a guy you would see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-state plates. ... Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn't know whether to retire or start shooting." --David Letterman
 
"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" --David Letterman
 
"And former presidential candidate -- what's his name? Oh, Chris Dodd of Connecticut has given his endorsement to Barack Obama. Wow, you know what that means? Dozens of votes for Obama." --Jay Leno
 
"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." --Jay Leno
 
"And God bless him, Ralph Nader running for president again. Yeah, yeah! Nader says he's running for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't run, there wouldn't have been a President Bush." --Jay Leno
 
"A lot of controversy still about the photo somebody released of Obama wearing a turban. You know, they originally said Clinton's camp did it, and they said we didn't do it. If I was Barack Obama, I would have worn the turban to the debate tonight. That's why I'm not running for president." --Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Obama accused Hillary of wanting to have it both ways [on screen: Obama saying, 'You can't take credit for everything that is good in the Clinton administration and suddenly say you don't want to take credit for what folks don't like about the Clinton administration']. Yeah, you can't cherry pick from your long record of public service. That's why I, Barack Obama, don't have one." --Jon Stewart
 
"It is a sad day for America. Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama is a terrorist [on screen: Obama in a traditional Somali dress]. This is the only possible explanation for him wearing this outfit unless he is a waiter at a Middle Eastern restaurant, or an extra in Disney's 'Aladdin On Ice,' or some teenagers teepeeed him. Terrible." --Stephen Colbert
 
"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno
 
"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now, they're building a shelf for the book." --Jay Leno
 
"Now, as you probably know, President Bush's wife, Laura, was a librarian when they met. Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library" --Jay Leno
 
"Ralph Nader announced he is running for president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans." --Craig Ferguson
 
"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno
 
"No, they say this woman traveled around with McCain on his campaign stops, and she also flew aboard his private jet. Do you know what you call a young woman traveling around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse." --Jay Leno
 
"Anyway, John McCain said he was disappointed with the story. His friend, Rudy Giuliani, said he was very upset by the story. I tell you, you know who was really angry? Mitt Romney. He said, 'Why couldn't this happen two weeks ago?'" --Jay Leno
 
"The New York Times printed a story that said ... in John McCain's last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to c--kblock the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. ... John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" --Bill Maher
 
"But I know what you're thinking, a Republican politician ... with a woman?" --Bill Maher
 
"Come on, what girl could resist? An old guy with anger problems and a bus." --Bill Maher
 
"Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien
 
"The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno
 
"According to the New York Times, John McCain may have had an inappropriate relationship with a young blond. That sounds like presidential material to me." --David Letterman
 
"I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine: 'Hello, is that - hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?' He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote: 'Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello?'" --David Letterman
 
"But, I want to tell you something, the Republicans, they're not taking this scandal lightly. They are very concerned about this new scandal, yes, they are. But, on the bright side, it doesn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman
 
"Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state - the state of denial, ladies and gentlemen. Well, after winning 10 in a row, political experts say there's a very good chance that Barack Obama could end up as our next president. See, that shows you the progress we've made in this country. We can have a black man in the White House. I remember when we couldn't get a black man in the cast of 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno
 
"There was a big story in The New York Times about Senator John McCain, it questioned his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. The story 'hinted' that McCain may have had an extramarital affair with her, but the weird thing is she looks almost exactly like John McCain's wife, Cindy. So he might have just got confused and grabbed the wrong woman. These two look more alike than the Olson twins." --Jimmy Kimmel
 

2008/2/18

Late-night jokes recap 2/18

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@ 11:02 AM (4 months, 21 days ago)
"Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned 'buttocks,' Sen. Larry Craig swooned." --David Letterman
 
"Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team ..all 12 million of them." --Jay Leno
 
"Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey and he condemned the show 'The Sopranos' because he says it makes New Jersey look bad. Which really isn't true - New Jersey makes New Jersey look bad." --Conan O'Brien
 
"President Bush has got a little less than a year left in office so he is trying to squeeze in as many free trips as he can. He's visiting Africa - this is his second trip there as a President. This time, he's going to meet with a number of key leaders including the President of Benin and the leader of Rwanda. Last time, he refused to meet anyone other than Babar, the cartoon elephant." --Jimmy Kimmel
 
"After John McCain swept the primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"Roger Clemens testified before Congress about his alleged use of steroids and human growth hormone. There was an awkward moment when Clemens leaned on the table and it shattered." --Conan O'Brien
 
"Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her." --Jay Leno
 
"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno
 
"Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort -- when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be." --Jay Leno
 
"Senator John McCain did very well. He swept as well. He won all his primaries. Of course the big question with McCain is his age. I don't want to say he's old, but I understand his new campaign slogan is, 'What did I come in here for again?'" --Jay Leno
 
"The C.I.A. has admitted to destroying videotapes of terrorist suspects being tortured. They said the reason they destroyed the videotapes was under the new agreement they didn't want to have to pay the writers residuals every time it showed up on the Internet." --Jay Leno
 
"Roger Clemens denied before Congress that he was ever injected with steroids or human growth hormones. Then he gave himself away when he asked for a pillow to sit on during the rest of his testimony." --Jay Leno
 
"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He looks like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's tomb. ... He looks like the dull fiance that Julie Roberts dumps for the co-star. ... He looks like the author of the book on seven keys to success. ... He looks like the guy who puts on a dress and wig and sneaks into the lifeboat." --David Letterman
 
"Roger Clemens denied using steroids, and at one point he got so angry that he snapped the Washington Monument in half like a twig." --David Letterman
 
"Another gift from the comedy gods: Baseball great Roger Clemens sat in front of Congress to answer questions about whether or not he used performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens says he didn't; his former trainer says he did. I might be the only one who believes them both. ... I only know this: I watched this thing for three hours and I have not heard the word buttocks used so often in congressional hearings. They're very focused on buttocks because it takes their minds off the economy and the war and all that other stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Boy, talk about a black eye for baseball. Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin. And it's interesting, you know? We didn't get bin Laden but by God, we're nailing this guy." --David Letterman
 
"Roger Clemens testifys that a size 48 neck is completely normal." --David Letterman
 
"And of course Mitt Romney dropped out of the race, and I'm going to miss him. Romney looks like a guy who says to the bartender, 'If I wanted a glass of tonic, I would have ordered it.' ... Romney looks like a guy you just met who uses your first name too much. ... Mitt Romney looks like a cavalry officer who has no intention of honoring the treaty with the Apaches." --David Letterman
 
"Very awkward moment in the Hillary Clinton campaign today. I guess Hillary told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama." --Jay Leno
 
"The government is going to be handing out rebate checks. We're like a bad car dealership now in this country, handing out the rebate checks. They're trying to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news - half the people want the money in euros, the other half want it in pesos." --Jay Leno
 
"According to a new poll, the nation's youth do not have as much faith in the federal government being able to help them in their future. Fifty percent of the young people polled said they felt the federal government would get in their way of their goals and their ambitions. The other 50 percent said they had no goals or ambitions and hoped to work for the Federal government." --Jay Leno
 
Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn't get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich." --Jay Leno
 

2008/2/13

Late-night jokes recap 2/13

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@ 07:47 AM (4 months, 26 days ago)

"The GOP likes to call itself the "Big Tent Party," which would make Mike Huckabee the revivalist tent. Ron Paul would be the circus tent. And of course, John McCain is the oxygen tent." --Jay Leno
 
"Congratulations to presidential candidate Barack Obama. He won a Grammy for best spoken word album. Boy, there's four words you haven't heard in the same sentence in a while - 'presidential' and 'best spoken word.'" --Jay Leno
 
"Well, you know who he beat out? Bill Clinton. Hope this doesn't cause any tension between the two families." --Jay Leno
 
"Asked why he is still in the race, Mike Huckabee said, 'I have nothing else to do.' So it sounds like he really is running for vice president." --Jay Leno
 
"Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn't say what business, but I'm guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan's Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear." --Jay Leno
 
"As you know, Mitt Romney's campaign is dead. Although I understand why those officials just told President Bush he went to 'live on a farm.'" --Jay Leno
 
"How about that? Mitt Romney now has suspended his campaign. Yeah, but don't worry about Mitt. He's already gone back to playing Ridge Forrester on 'The Bold and the Beautiful.'" --David Letterman
 
"Hillary replaced her campaign manager - Patti Doyle was her name - and she hired in her place Maggie Williams. So, for the first time, Hillary now is juggling more women than Bill." --David Letterman
 
"Barack Obama won a Grammy for his audio book. He's on a roll! 'What did you do over the weekend?' 'I won four primaries and a Grammy.' ... He beat four nominees, including Bill Clinton's audio book. Barack Obama beating a Clinton? They're getting kind of used to that. ... I've heard Bill's audio book - it's not that good. it's two hours of heavy breathing." --Craig Ferguson
 
"How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like a doctor with a miracle cure for arthritis. ... looks like one of those guys whose cologne you smell long after he's gone. ... like a lawyer in a yellow pages ad, I'm telling you. ... Mitt Romney looks like a guy on a cruise ship who teaches your wife how to cha-cha." --David Letterman
 
"Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit." --David Letterman
 
"Rudy Giuliani is announcing his own line of clothing. It comes apart at the seams." --David Letterman
 
"Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?" --Jay Leno
 
"It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting a nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare since the pharmacist said, "We're out of OxyContin." --Jay Leno
 
From David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out Of The Presidential Race: "Apparently America is not ready for a white male president"
 
"John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain's lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky - six months ago, that was his campaign war chest." --Jay Leno
 
"Super Tuesday elections. I had the worst trouble with the machines. I kept yanking on the lever. One time, I turned the whole thing over. ... I like to go in there and take off my pants. I hold them outside the curtain and say, "You got these in a 38? --David Letterman
 
"Big day for Hillary Clinton. She won in Samoa. And coincidentally that's where she's hiding Bill." --David Letterman
 
"Now refers to Mike Huckabee as "Mike Suckabee" --from David Letterman's Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky
 

2008/2/7

Late-night jokes recap 2/7

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@ 08:11 AM (5 months, 2 days ago)
 
"Well, it's all over now. Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill's mouth." --David Letterman
 
"But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I'm telling you, at my age, I'm just happy to see a president who's older than I am, you know what I mean?" --David Letterman
 
"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno
 
"How about that Mitt Romney? ... He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket. ... He looks like the piano player at an upscale department store. ... He looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand. ... He looks like a guy who is married to an over the hill actress. ... He looks like a guy who would brag about his cholesterol. ... He looks like the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going" --David Letterman
 
"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped." --Jay Leno
 
"How about the (Super Bowl) commercials? There's some good ones. How about the one, mytalkingstain.com? ... A stain that can talk. This sounds like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno
 
"You know what's amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital." --Jay Leno
 
"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? This guy looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus. ... This guy, he looks like an American actor who's popular in Germany. ... He looks like a contractor you'd have to sue, this Mitt Romney. ... He looks like the neighbor with the neat garage, that Mitt Romney. ... You remember Mitt Romney from the '80s? He was Mr. Goodwrench." --David Letterman
 
"John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people. And today, to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich." --Jay Leno
 
"You know what's interesting? How the GOP candidates are sniping at each other. Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor?"--Jay Leno
 
"Well, we had President Bush's last State of the Union. ... How many saw this speech? ... When are we going to fit this guy for a helmet?" --Bill Maher
 
"I hope Americans learn one thing -- never again elect a black-out drinker. ... This is the guy who parks his car on the front lawn and says, 'How did that get there?'" --Bill Maher
 
"Hillary and Obama debated at the Kodak Theatre. The camera showed so many celebrities in the audience, I thought I was watching a Lakers game. ... Hillary and Obama. Is it just me or did they look like the local weekend news anchor team? 'Over to you, Hillary. That is a lot of puppies. Thank you.'" --Bill Maher
 
"This is who the Democrats brought out to Kodak Theatre -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Bagota is dead.'" --Bill Maher
 
"Speaking of dead, the Republicans had their debate at the Reagan Library. They opened the debate -- I couldn't make this up -- with a shot of Reagan's diary. The actual handwritten, leather-bound Reagan diary with a little key. I swear to God, Anderson Cooper said he was afraid to even touch it ... like it was something out of Harry Potter. Republicans don't want to have a debate, they want to have a seance. They want to bring back Reagan's ghost and have him run the country, hovering over your bed like Eva Longoria in that movie." --Bill Maher
 
"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher
 
"The other guy who dropped out last week I have the highest regards for -- John Edwards. That's his platform that they are running on. He worked his ass off. He never got enough oxygen with those two show ponies in the race. It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney shows up." --Bill Maher
 
"I think Hillary is getting a little too sensitive. Like when they asked her about the surge, she said she didn't want to talk about Barack's poll numbers." --Jay Leno
 
"I asked my daughter who she liked for president today. She told me she likes Obama because he has big ears like Will Smith. You know, ear size is one of the key issues with young people nowadays." --Jimmy Kimmel