Sooner Be Blue

"Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. “Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.”

 

Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread.

 

And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton’s brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother.

 

There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes.
Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn’t had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?

 

And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them.

 

And because of our huge budget crisis, California’s now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, “That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.”

 

 

"Cold outside right now. And I’m not a weatherman, but they say this frigid weather is coming off a cold front between New York Gov. David Paterson and Caroline Kennedy. That’s causing a frost.

Out in the Midwest, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was so cold he was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.

Scary moment for Gov. Blagojevich earlier today. Several geese were sucked into his hair.

Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts’ office today when he screwed up the words to “Happy Birthday.”

Well, it looks like that prison, that detention center, in Guantanamo Bay is being closed. And people say, “Well, what are you going to do with all those folks who are down there, all those suspected terrorists and thugs and goons and nasty, awful people?” We’re going to bring them up here to the Ed Sullivan Theater and put them in the audience.

But listen to this. They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off.

How about the Obama family in the White House? Have you seen them? The kids? The Obama girls love living in the White House. They think it’s fantastic. There was just one complaint that the girls had about living in the White House. They claim that there’s a portrait of Dick Cheney on the wall, and they claim the eyes in that portrait actually move.

But that’s not all. At midnight, the Obama girls hear creepy organ music coming from Cheney’s dungeon.

But Dick Cheney, you’ve got to give him credit. He’s enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey.

Actually, Cheney is relaxing at his ranch, the Triple Bypass.

And listen to this. It’s an amazing thing, but after eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?"

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com

 

"Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?

President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that’s not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?

Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it preempted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called “30 Rocks.”

And President Obama said today when it comes to passing a stimulus package, “We can’t afford distractions” or “delays.” And, of course, you know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee. He was furious.

President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?

Oh, last night, we talked about how Citigroup took $50 million of the bailout money we gave them and bought a corporate jet. Well, Citigroup now says they were not going to take possession of the jet. They said they’re going to lose money on it because they put a huge deposit on it, but they now realize it was a mistake. They said this is the most overpriced jet since Brett Favre.

And on “Good Morning America,” Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said he considered offering the vacant Senate seat to Oprah Winfrey, but changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car.

And disgraced baseball player Jose Canseco fought to a draw with former child star Danny Bonaduce this past weekend in a celebrity boxing match. Did you ever see Canseco? He’s huge! What is he, 80 pounds heavier and a foot taller than Danny Bonaduce? And he’s on steroids! You still can’t beat him?"

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com

 

"President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships." --Jay Leno

 

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program." --Jay Leno

 

"In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama's nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he's just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!" --Jay Leno

 

"A Democratic spokesman called the issue today 'an honest mistake.' How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake? Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don't pay their taxes, 'Oh, it's an honest mistake.' Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don't pay our taxes? 'Exhibit A for the prosecution.'" --Jay Leno

 

"And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people." --Jay Leno

 

"Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign credit card.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, 'My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.' Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, 'What was your greatest achievement as President?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing, Louisiana Senator David Vitter - remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

 

"I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference, and he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

 

"But it's nice to know that there is one person untroubled by the Bush presidency [on screen: Bush saying he gave the presidency his 'all' for eight years and he didn't 'sell his soul for the sake of popularity']. You didn't need to! You sold ours." --Jon Stewart

 

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

 

"The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She's now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her." --Jay Leno

 

"It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush's approval rating." --David Letterman

 

"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno

 

"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the 'Late Show.' We're going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman

 

"Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach Governor Blagojevich. Did you see his press conference? I love this. He quoted the British poet Tennyson. He quoted Tennyson, which was weird, because usually he quotes the movie 'Jerry Maguire.' 'Show me the money!'" --Jay Leno

 

"All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie." --Seth Meyers

 

"On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficits for years to come, in an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King's famous 'I Had a Bad Dream' speech." --Seth Meyers

 

"The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion, which breaks down to about 35,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the country. If you lay that much money end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff." --Seth Meyers

 

"In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, 'Thanks, but we'll stick to downloading porn.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice." --Conan O'Brien