Late-night jokes recap 3/6
Note: Some of the late night shows have been in reruns.
Jon Stewart to Hillary Clinton: "This election is about judgment. Tomorrow is perhaps one of the most important days of your life, and yet you have chosen to spend the night before talking to me. Senator, as a host I'm delighted. As a citizen, frightened."
Hillary Clinton, in response: "It is pretty pathetic"
Hillary Clinton, in response: "It is pretty pathetic"
"Senator Obama's message? 'If we do well in Texas and Ohio, I think the math is such where it will be hard for her to win the nomination. The press has sort of bought into this I think because they want to keep the contest interesting. She has got a little desperate towards the end of this campaign'. Huh. Obama might be a good candidate, but it seems like he'd be kind of a dicky boyfriend." --Jon Stewart
"Let's face it, nation. Barack Obama just does not have the experience necessary. Ask yourself this. When that phone in the White House at 3 a.m., do we really want that call not to be an attack from the press? Hillary's already ready for that call on day one." --Stephen Colbert
"Leap Day, it comes every four years. But it really doesn't mean anything. It's like a Ralph Nader running for president, it doesn't mean anything." --David Letterman
"I think the world of John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who still talks real loud on a long-distance phone call? 'What time is it where you are? What? Can you hear me?' ... He looks like the guy you are waiting for to stop gabbing with the teller.... He looks like the relative who you get blank e-mails from. ... He looks like a freelance crosswalk guard." --David Letterman
"In his press conference, President Bush announced America is not headed into a recession, especially if you own an oil company." --Jay Leno
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still it's a horror. ... In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way." --Jay Leno
"Just 48 hours after Homeland Security officials told Congress a 28-milelong virtual fence along the U.S./Mexican border was working, they now say it will be delayed three years because they can't get the video surveillance to work. Can't get it to work. Isn't that amazing? Do you realize, Homeland Security has less video surveillance than the New England Patriots." --Jay Leno
"I don't want to say McCain is old, but yesterday he got on the wrong bus, and ended up taking a gambling junket to Atlantic City." --Jay Leno
"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno
"And Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, announced he's actually looking for interns who want to work in his office. Here's the creepy part. His advice to anyone who wants to be his intern, 'Think inside the bun.'" --Jay Leno
"I am sick of Republican rule. I am, because first it was Senator Larry Craig and now the economy is in the toilet." --Bill Maher
"The other day President Charles in Charge has a press conference about the economy. He refused to say the word 'recession.' He says the word 'slow-down.' It's a 'slow-down.' This is because every time he has a meeting about the economy, he says to his advisors 'whoa whoa, slow down.'" --Bill Maher
"He says things will improve once those $300 rebate checks start arriving in the mailbox. So, be sure to check that mailbox in the house you used to live in before the sheriff came and took it away." --Bill Maher
"At the press conference, they asked him about the fact gas is approaching $4. You know what Bush said? He said, 'That's interesting. I hadn't heard that.' See, Bush thinks a news conference is where reporters give him the news" --Bill Maher
"John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack's Obama's middle name, 'Hussein,' without once mentioning McCain's middle name, 'Methuselah.'" --Seth Meyers
"President Bush said that the country is not heading for a recession and that the economy is actually robust. He added, 'Case in point, I'm rich!'" --Amy Poehler
"I like Ralph Nader, he looks like the doctor you go to have the bullet removed. ... Ralph Nader looks like an accountant for a small town circus." --David Letterman
"John McCain, on the other hand, he looks like the guy who has to be told to close his robe. ... John McCain looks like the kind of guy who uses the word 'my' a lot, you know, well, I get up and I have my coffee. Then I read my paper. Then I have my oatmeal. And then I take my nap." --David Letterman
"Hey, here's some news, ladies and gentlemen. Remember Senator Larry Craig from Idaho? Well, remember he got himself in some trouble up there in the Minneapolis airport. It was a fun kind of trouble. But he now is looking for summer interns, Larry Craig. And I said whoa, cut me a slice of that. And everybody is very excited about Larry Craig's summer intern program. And if you are selected, now you have to be prepared to report early to learn Larry's foot tapping code" --David Letterman
"Senator Larry Craig, you know who he is, America's favorite restroom enthusiast -- he is now seeking interns for the summer term. He's taking applications for interns to work. In fact, the first question he asks you, 'You're not a cop, are you?'" --Jay Leno
"Here's a story that was leaked to the press. You know, Prince Harry, God bless him, serving his country. He's in Afghanistan on the front lines and he's been there before. Of course, it's been a huge secret. But he's been serving on the front lines in Afghanistan. Of course, President Bush was stunned when he heard this, and he said, 'His dad couldn't get him out of it?'" --Jay Leno
"During his press conference, President Bush said the following. He said it's important we make the economy stronger so -- quote -- 'families can put money on their table.' Yes, then Bush said that Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts. It was a good speech. I liked it. It's hard to top what he actually said." --Conan O'Brien
"How about that John McCain, huh? John McCain looks like the kind of guy who brags that his new denture adhesive allows him to eat corn on the cob. He looks like a guy who parks his RV overnight at Wal-Mart. He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I'm leaving 10%, that's good enough. John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house." --David Letterman
"Have you seen Ralph Nader? He looks like a guy that says we have proof we never went to the moon. Ralph looks like a shady horse track doctor." --David Letterman
"John McCain, on the other hand. He looks like the guy that walks up to the mound to settle down a young pitcher. John McCain looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings. He looks like the guy who can't find his table after he goes to the salad bar." --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, here is great news. Senator Larry Craig from Idaho ... is looking for interns. What parent doesn't want to hear, 'Well guess what, Dad, I got accepted into Larry Craig's intern program'? But if you're interested, Larry Craig is now accepting applications from interns. Just slide your resume under the stall." --David Letterman
"And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he's running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can't get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He's like the herpes of presidential candidates." --Jay Leno
"Florida officials are still in a panic over the big power outage. You hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone the next day with President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day. We don't what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno
"Here's a story that is hard to believe. This is absolutely true. This is from the 'have you no shame?' department. You all know Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for summer interns to work in his office. ... Isn't that unbelievable? Would you want that on your resume? 'I served under Larry Craig.' All interviews will be conducted in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he'll push some papers under the door." --Jay Leno
"No, he says he wants interns to work in his office that have a solid work ethic, a knowledge of politics, and look good dressed as a construction worker." --Jay Leno
"During the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word 'Massachusetts' twice and then mispronounced the word 'filibuster.' Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush." --Conan O'Brien
"I think Obama proved once and for all that he really does have what it takes to be president of these United States [on screen: Obama mispronouncing 'Massachusetts' twice]. See, he mispronounces things just like the real president does [on screen: Pres. Bush mispronouncing 'peninsula']." --Jimmy Kimmel
"On the other side of the political fence, Senator Larry Craig of Idaho is in the news again. Not only has he not stepped down from his Senate seat after he plead guilty to disorderly conduct for playing footsie with an undercover police officer in an airport restroom, but he's actually now looking for summer interns. He's looking for juniors and seniors in college from Idaho, have an interest in politics, and know how to keep their mouth shut. ... If you're interested, slip your resume under the third stall from the left in the men's room" --Jimmy Kimmel
