Bill Maher's New Rules
New Rule: Now that gas costs the same four bucks at every gas station, you can drop the nine-tenths-of-a-cent bullshit.
New Rule: Airlines should just get it over with and start putting passengers in the cargo hold. Let's face it. You've already taken away the leg room, the food, the pillows. The only thing left is to tag us, load us onto the conveyor belt - and let us fight over who gets to sleep on the bag of mail.
New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screen savers on computers. You know, I sat down to check my email the other day, next thing I know, it's three days later, I'm in the desert--I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody has pierced my dick.
New Rule: We don't need a picture book about plastic surgery. My Beautiful Mommy is the new book written to prepare kids for that magical day when Mommy comes home from the doctor and they don't recognize her. Which is when Mommy should explain to the kids that after giving birth to them and nursing them, her Mommy parts needed a little sprucing up. And, since it's their fault, it's coming out of their college fund.
And, by the way, this book has already spawned sequels: Why Is Mommy Never Home Anymore? and Why Is Daddy Crying?
New Rule: If you get to bring your baby to work, I get to bring a Mexican mariachi band. The only difference, for twenty bucks, I can get the mariachi band to go away and annoy somebody else.
New Rule: If you still think Obama is a Muslim, you just might be a redneck. A Christian church in South Carolina has a sign out front that says, "Obama, Osama, hmmm, Are they brothers?" No, in fact, they're not even related, which is more than I can say for the married couples in your church.
New Rule: Liberals only get one bumper sticker per vehicle. Some days, I feel like I'm stuck in traffic behind the Huffington Post. Here's what I've learned while driving behind you: you are very concerned about global warming, and you're burning oil. Ironically.
And, finally, New Rule: I'm going on hiatus now. But, if John McCain can stay in Iraq for a hundred years, Hillary Clinton can stay in this election until I get back. Now, I know many of you are saying, "But, Bill, with you on hiatus, what will I do? Where will I get my news? Who will I petition to get thrown off the air?" Well, I'm sorry, but nothing stands between me and what I do during my break to give back: mentoring promiscuous runaways--for my charity, Hot Tubs Without Borders.
But, back to Hillary. Now, of course, there's the oft-heard refrain that she's behind in states, behind in the popular vote, and behind in the delegate count. But, I don't buy that, because I'm an American, damn it! And if there are three things I don't believe in, it's quitting and math.
And let us not forget as we say our adieu for this season, that there is a clear path to the nomination for Hillary. She just needs to raise a lot of money; she needs to woo a key group of super delegates and she needs Reverend Jeremiah Wright to rape a white woman.
