Sooner Be Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2008/6/28

Late-night jokes recap 6/28

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@ 06:14 AM (11 days, 1 hour ago)
 
"I don't know if you know this, but John McCain now he's got a bandage on his head. Did you see that, John McCain? The poor guy, he's got a bandage on his head. Here's what happened. Apparently he tried to answer the iron." --David Letterman
 
"Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she'll consider making him as her running mate." --David Letterman
 
"Here's good news -- Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn't that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I'm thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader." --David Letterman
 
"Californians now driving across the border to get cheap gas in Mexico. Here's another tip. Instead of gas, try using Rite Aid vodka. Much cheaper, and about the same mileage." --David Letterman
 
"Hey, there was an interesting study released today which says that people who live here in the state of California are less convinced that there is a God than the people of any other state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires here in California are currently burning out of control." --Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Both McCain and Senator Barack Obama are trying to woo voters who are outside their natural demographic. In this election, for Senator Obama, that means trying to reach working class, non-Muslim white women who love America." --Jon Stewart
 
"According to a recent Pentagon report, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno
 
Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman
 
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
 
"In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. Yeah, when he heard this, Jeb said, 'Please stop reminding everyone we're related. Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"This week, residents of a Romanian village decided to reelect their dead mayor rather than vote for the younger man running against him. Yeah, when he heard about it, John McCain said, 'That's a good sign.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table that thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno

2008/6/19

Late-night jokes recap 6/19

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@ 05:39 AM (20 days, 1 hour ago)

"Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom." --David Letterman
 
"And now, of course, going head-to-head you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They're already putting together debates. Here's how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question he wants a five-minute nap. That's the way that's going to go down." --David Letterman
 
"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it's something he would never use. That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library." --Conan O'Brien
 
"And in political news, Barack Obama was endorsed by Al Gore at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit yesterday. I tell you something, you could feel the excitement in the room. It was unbelievable. And then Al Gore walked in." --Jay Leno
 
"And a New York congressman by the name of Anthony Weiner has introduced a bill to grant immigrant visas to supermodels that want to come here. See, this will clear up the problem of supermodels hanging out in front of Home Depot all day looking for work." --Jay Leno
 
"Hey, remember Elian Gonzalez, the Cuban boy that came here and then was sent back home? Well, he's now 14 years old and has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union, which is the second most popular organization for Cubans to join, after the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno
 
"In a recent interview, President Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He says you don't get a second chance to do things over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about? Wasn't that supposed to be the chance to fix all this?" --Jay Leno
 
"Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others. Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope." --Jon Stewart
 
"It's already having a ripple effect, this gay marriage thing. In fact, since it was instituted, marriage proposals to Liza Minnelli have dropped 65 percent." --Jay Leno
 
"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno
 
"Well, you see, unlike Massachusetts, California has no residency requirement for marriage, so a lot of gays from out of state can come here and get married. In fact, if you're gay, and you can prove you're in the country illegally, they'll not only give you a gay marriage license, they'll give you a California driver's license." --Jay Leno
 
"And Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced he will happily perform gay weddings. And believe me, if you know our mayor, you know how seriously he takes those wedding vows." --Jay Leno
 

2008/5/31

Bill Maher's New Rules

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@ 05:40 AM (1 month, 9 days ago)
 
New Rule: Now that gas costs the same four bucks at every gas station, you can drop the nine-tenths-of-a-cent bullshit.
 
New Rule: Airlines should just get it over with and start putting passengers in the cargo hold. Let's face it. You've already taken away the leg room, the food, the pillows. The only thing left is to tag us, load us onto the conveyor belt - and let us fight over who gets to sleep on the bag of mail.
 
New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screen savers on computers. You know, I sat down to check my email the other day, next thing I know, it's three days later, I'm in the desert--I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody has pierced my dick.
 
New Rule: We don't need a picture book about plastic surgery. My Beautiful Mommy is the new book written to prepare kids for that magical day when Mommy comes home from the doctor and they don't recognize her. Which is when Mommy should explain to the kids that after giving birth to them and nursing them, her Mommy parts needed a little sprucing up. And, since it's their fault, it's coming out of their college fund.
 
And, by the way, this book has already spawned sequels: Why Is Mommy Never Home Anymore? and Why Is Daddy Crying?
 
New Rule: If you get to bring your baby to work, I get to bring a Mexican mariachi band. The only difference, for twenty bucks, I can get the mariachi band to go away and annoy somebody else.
 
New Rule: If you still think Obama is a Muslim, you just might be a redneck. A Christian church in South Carolina has a sign out front that says, "Obama, Osama, hmmm, Are they brothers?" No, in fact, they're not even related, which is more than I can say for the married couples in your church.
 
New Rule: Liberals only get one bumper sticker per vehicle. Some days, I feel like I'm stuck in traffic behind the Huffington Post. Here's what I've learned while driving behind you: you are very concerned about global warming, and you're burning oil. Ironically.
 
And, finally, New Rule: I'm going on hiatus now. But, if John McCain can stay in Iraq for a hundred years, Hillary Clinton can stay in this election until I get back. Now, I know many of you are saying, "But, Bill, with you on hiatus, what will I do? Where will I get my news? Who will I petition to get thrown off the air?" Well, I'm sorry, but nothing stands between me and what I do during my break to give back: mentoring promiscuous runaways--for my charity, Hot Tubs Without Borders.
 
But, back to Hillary. Now, of course, there's the oft-heard refrain that she's behind in states, behind in the popular vote, and behind in the delegate count. But, I don't buy that, because I'm an American, damn it! And if there are three things I don't believe in, it's quitting and math.
 
And let us not forget as we say our adieu for this season, that there is a clear path to the nomination for Hillary. She just needs to raise a lot of money; she needs to woo a key group of super delegates and she needs Reverend Jeremiah Wright to rape a white woman.
 

2008/3/28

Late-night jokes recap 3/28

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@ 10:59 AM (3 months, 12 days ago)

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. ... She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

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2008/3/16

Even more Spitzer jokes 3/16

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@ 07:23 PM (3 months, 24 days ago)

"More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexander Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute." --Jay Leno

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