Sooner Be Blue

 

"Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He's been there 19,421 days. That's the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don't count federal prison." --Jay Leno

 

"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama’s Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson

 

"In an interview with Fox News, Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, 18-year-old Bristol Palin -- remember Bristol Palin, who had the baby? Well, she talked in the interview. She said, 'A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate.' Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions." --Jay Leno

 

"I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson

 

"Well, here's the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail." --Jay Leno

 

"More bad news for Senator Burris. Now, the Chicago Sun-Times is calling for his resignation. Remember, he was appointed by Governor Blagojevich. Now he could be in trouble for perjury and for giving conflicting statements in his testimony about campaign contributions. See, that's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." --Jay Leno

 

"There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno

 

"And one of the hardest hit businesses in this failing economy is plastic surgery. Fewer and fewer people are getting plastic surgery. How ironic is that? The one time you really need a smile on your face, you can't even afford to get it." --Jay Leno

 

"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. It is in such bad shape that today, three stock brokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts." --Jay Leno

 

"The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn't do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney." --Jay Leno

 

"And in Venezuela, a referendum passed that will allow Hugo Chavez to keep running for president indefinitely. So down there, it will be kind of like what Ralph Nader does here." --Jay Leno

 

"Meanwhile, while Obama's signing the stimulus package bill in Denver, John McCain was busy at Denny's, sectioning his grapefruit." --David Letterman

 

"A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman!" --Craig Ferguson

 

"Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno

 

"After withdrawing his name for commerce secretary, Sen. Judd Gregg said he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama, to which Joe Biden said, 'Don't worry about it. I do it all the time.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Last week, an American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia. And Sarah Palin said she could see the collision from her house." --Jay Leno

 

"Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie." --David Letterman

 

"Marvel Comics has come out with a special edition comic book where Spider-Man and Captain America go back in time to watch Abraham Lincoln deliver the Gettysburg Address. It's true. Yeah, so this story finally answers the question, what would happen if Michael Phelps ran Marvel Comics?" --Conan O'Brien

 

 

"Well, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.'s in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie." --Jay Leno

 

"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno

 

"And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, 'God wants me to serve.' But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you can't win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?" --Jay Leno

 

"When President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, 'See, it's not so easy. Doors are hard.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it's FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody." --Jay Leno

 

"Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States, and it was fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences." --Jay Leno

 

"How about President Barack Obama's first primetime press conference? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" --David Letterman

 

"And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what's happened to John McCain since the election." --Jay Leno

 

"The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." --Jay Leno

 

"And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco." --Jay Leno

Oh look what's floating around the Net...I dearly wish I could take credit for this delicious snark, but I just found it in my mailbox. So, in the spirit of national healing, enjoy!

 

"Ben & Jerry have created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. For George W. they asked for suggestions from the public. Here are some of their favorite responses:

 

Grape Depression -- The Housing Crunch -- Abu Grape -- Cluster Fudge -- Nut'n Accomplished -- Iraqi Road -- Chock 'n Awe -- WireTapioca -- Impeach Cobbler -- Guantanmallow -- imPeachmint -- Heck of a Job, Brownie! -- Neocon Politan -- RockyRoad to Fascism -- The Reese's-cession -- Cookie D'oh! -- Nougalar Proliferation -- Death by Chocolate... and Torture -- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream -- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder -- Credit Crunch -- Mission Pecanplished -- Country Pumpkin -- Chunky Monkey in Chief -- WMDelicious -- Chocolate Chimp -- Bloody Sundae -- Caramel Preemptive Stripe -- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands . . . with nuts."

 

I tried to google the original author but alas, couldn't find the starting point. They'll probably come forward any minute now.