"Last night, what a horrible audience. It's not so much that they were horrible. They were just quiet. My God, it was like dinner at the Spitzers." --David Letterman
"I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York, resigned. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip." --David Letterman
"He waited about the resignation and finally he had to. He couldn't get a pardon from Oprah, so he's gone." --David Letterman
"Four out of five New Yorkers wanted him to go. Four out of five New Yorkers said, no, get him out of here. Myself and the writers, we, of course, wanted him to stay." --David Letterman
"Maybe you can tell a very somber mood here in New York City. Am I right about that? As a matter of fact, even the hookers in Times Square were wearing the black armbands." --David Letterman
"But here's the deal, now Spitzer will have to pay women to call him governor." --David Letterman
"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David Letterman
"The governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno
"It's interesting. Although Spitzer only spoke for 2 minutes and 40 seconds, he still had to pay for the entire hour." --Jay Leno
"It's interesting, now that he's not governor, how people treat you differently when you're no longer powerful. Like today, he went from Client #9 to Client #3,252." --Jay Leno
"The new governor of New York will be a man named David Paterson, who is legally blind. Yeah, he is. He is legally blind. The way it will work with him is, you see, he'll just have the woman talk dirty to him over the phone." --Jay Leno
"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor, because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"Well, more and more details are coming out about this incident, which has fascinated people. It seems the governor was caught on a federal wiretap making arrangements to meet with this prostitute. See, that's why the Democrats are against Bush's eavesdropping policy. You see? Bush is not only catching terrorists, he's catching Democrats, too." --Jay Leno
"No, the FBI said they became suspicious after tracking what they call 'questionable transfers of money' from Spitzer's account. See, at first they thought he was hiding bribe money. And then they realized it's highly unlikely that the governor would be bribed by a woman named Cindy Candypants." --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Barack Obama, he won again... beat Hillary in Mississippi, 60% of the vote. In fact, he won by such a wide margin, Hillary is now definitely gonna offer him the number two spot on the ticket." --Jay Leno
"And I thought this was rubbing it in. I guess Barack called Hillary last night to tell her that he won at 3 a.m. in the morning." --Jay Leno
"I saw 'Clueless' on TV last night. Geraldine Ferraro? Anybody see that? Well, Geraldine Ferraro was forced to leave the Clinton campaign after saying that the only reason Barack Obama is winning is because he's black, and you know, hey, there's some truth to that. The only way you're gonna get elected president of this country is you're a black guy. A rich old white guy? How many of those have we had?" --Jay Leno
"And Democratic officials in Florida and Michigan are talking about doing a re-vote. They want people to vote again in those primaries. In fact, Florida officials have been scrambling to re-program their voting machines, because most of them are still wired to pick George Bush." --Jay Leno
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien
"Now they are saying Spitzer may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Spitzer held another press conference ...said he needed to leave to begin the difficult process of healing. Not emotionally -- his wife hit him in the face with a George Foreman Grill." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some of the more sordid details are starting to emerge, supposedly, Spitzer didn't like to wear a condom which I'm sure was just the cherry on top of his wife's cake." --Jimmy Kimmel
"On Monday, the lieutenant governor will take over. His name is David Patterson. He's African-American and legally blind. He'll be the first blind governor in the United States. He's already announced that his top legislative priority will be the death penalty for people who don't clean up after their dogs." --Jimmy Kimmel
