Sooner Blue

"The Republican presidential candidates had a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing." –David Letterman

"They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river." –David Letterman

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien

"Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what I love most about that speech to the Congressional joint session? The awesome cutaways to uncomfortable Republicans." –Jon Stewart

"Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks." –Jay Leno

"Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, 'In fact, I'll do it right now. OK, I hate it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"The biggest applause line of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Holy ****!" –Jon Stewart, on the Republican presidential debate

"Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: 'Don’t mess with Texes.' In high school voted 'Most likely to execute 200+ people.' Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts." –Conan O'Brien

"You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry also defended his claim that Social Security is nothing but a Ponzi scheme. Michele Bachmann jumped on that. She told them flat out, "Hey, it has to be either a Fonzi scheme or a Potsie scheme. There was no ponzi..." –Jay Leno

"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel." –David Letterman

"During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman." –Jay Leno

"A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain's running of the bulls. Right. If there's one thing Arizona is missing it's thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives." –Jimmy Fallon

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called 'You Might Want to Skip This.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas." –Craig Ferguson

"There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman

"The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien

"Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Stephen Colbert

"There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration." -- Stephen Colbert

"It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'" –Jon Stewart

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America: "You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis." –Stephen Colbert

[Clip about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: "He's close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy."] Jon Stewart: "And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor."

BTW - Most of the late-night shows have been in reruns.

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"It's interesting to see the Tea Party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists." –David Letterman

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it's 1799." –Jon Stewart

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels "fabulous." When Michele Bachman's husband heard that, he said, "We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that." –Jay Leno

"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions." –Jay Leno

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Cowboys & Aliens is supposed to be the next big blockbuster. Doesn't that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?" –Jay Leno

"In 1969 we put a man on the moon. Today the best we can do is x-ray Kim Kardashian's ass. And someday we'll celebrate the 40th anniversary of that." –David Letterman

"NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It's expected to be the highest-rated episode ever of 'Cake Boss.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm toying with the idea of drinking again." –David Letterman

"The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It's too bad the national debt isn't as important as football." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

"The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood." –Conan O'Brien

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien

"The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my money?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's documentary, 'The Undefeated,' will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do." –Jay Leno

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in Iowa that Michele Bachmann couldn’t tell if her headache was a migraine or a brain freeze from her Slurpee." –Jay Leno

"In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they'll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products." –Jay Leno

'Captain America' is set in the 1940s, when people thought smoking was healthy and for breakfast, they would eat bacon smothered in beef fat with a side of asbestos." –Craig Ferguson

"The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady." –Jay Leno

"More bad news for former Senator John Edwards – an audit of his campaign finances shows he now owes the federal government $2.3 million. Apparently he spent money on everything except condoms." –Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife." –Jay Leno

"Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, 'We are home. We have no jobs.'" –Conan O'Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner invited new congressmen over for pizza. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bringing gay history into our classrooms teaches our children a dangerous lesson: that gay people exist." --Stephen Colbert

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing." –Jimmy Kimmel

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'" –David Letterman

"New York has legalized gay marriage, Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache." –David Letterman

"If Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips." –Jon Stewart

"I understand the Republican’s frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen." –Bill Maher, on the debt ceiling talks

"We are having in this country, America, supposedly a first world nation, an argument about whether we should pay our bills. And the Republicans – the conservative party – says no. Paying bills is for squares, man. That whole 'money' thing is a trap. Their economic plan is like, we're hitchhiking to a Phish concert, and if we get a ride from a trucker and he asks us to chip in for gas, we'll just give him a hand job." –Bill Maher

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that the social network 'Google +' has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of 'friendship.'" –Bill Maher

"Everybody needs to just calm down (about Carmageddon). They're fixing a stretch of the roadway. It's an unpleasant bit of business that we have to get through – sort of like the way Michele Bachmann's husband thinks about sex with his wife." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann says that if she's elected, she'll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let's ban pornography." –David Letterman

"Scientists say life on Earth is wiped out every 27 million years, and we have 16 million years left. So we’re all going to die just when we finally get our debt paid off." –Jay Leno

"It's so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs." –David Letterman

"Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they're absolutely certain they will get nothing done." –David Letterman

"It's 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann signed a pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn't read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don't have to sign anything so important they have to read it first." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch and his New of the World newspaper are in trouble for hacking into the phone call records of thousands of people. The law is pretty clear, if you want to try and snoop on people without them knowing about it you have to be either Google or Apple. You can't be a newspaper." –Jay Leno

"A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: 'North Mexico.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We're three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can't find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs." –Jon Stewart

"It's not, 'All right, let's all chip in and we'll buy a keg for the big party.' It's, 'Buy me a keg and I won't burn your f**kin' house down.'" –Jon Stewart on Republicans' approach to compromise during debt negotiations

"Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth." –Stephen Colbert

"A right wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Didn't we take this pledge? It's called the 'Marriage Vow.' Is that not good enough anymore, we have to take it again?" –Jay Leno

"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon

"Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?" –David Letterman

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade." –Jay Leno

"With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!" –Jay Leno

"It's been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Thank you God! This is the best week ever!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's official. It turns out it was Weiner's weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!" -Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a tough week for him. He's lost so much support, and he had to buy a second pair of underwear too. I'm just glad he had the balls to admit his mistake." –Jimmy Fallon

"It shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask 'Where’s the beef?' You can’t ask that now!" –Jay Leno

"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"Legal experts are now investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California." –Jay Leno

"It was so nice in New York City that the whole staff was in Central Park writing Anthony Weiner jokes." –David Letterman

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" –David Letterman

"It’s a great day for late night comedians because it’s a bad day for Congressman Anthony Weiner." –Craig Ferguson

"Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It’s a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say, 'Thank you.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" –Stephen Colbert

"I mean, call me old fashioned. But I long for simpler times and common sense values. I want to leave our grandchildren an America where Congressmen bang their secretaries. Sorry if there's no app for that." –Stephen Colbert

"A new photo was released that the Congressman's c*ck apparently took of him." –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner

"The most upsetting thing about having a friend caught up in a scandal of this nature is finding out A) he's packin' jumbo heat, and B) that he's ripped." –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner

"Osama bin Laden's successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn't that Mitt Romney?" –David Letterman

"First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, 'Not Disney World. Thanks Mom!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana and Sarah Palin was like, 'Wow, they’re going to all the places Paul Revere went.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it,' 'Do I even need to campaign at this point?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming." –Jay Leno

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, HBO, and Comedy Central]