Sooner Blue

"In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said 'I'm not one of these 'word talkers.''' –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he's not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster." –David Letterman

"According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they're going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann's campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, 'That's not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it's going to be the best season of 'The Amazing Race' yet." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair." –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth." –Jay Leno

"A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?" –David Letterman

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license." –David Letterman

"So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power." –David Letterman

"A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine." –Conan O'Brien

"It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that." –Jay Leno

"The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: 'Who was raising that question?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm very excited that President Obama is coming tomorrow night and as you know he's on his nationwide 'I Whacked Another Terrorist' tour." –Jay Leno

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message of hope." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien

"Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart

"You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He's in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donal Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He's been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That's gotta hurt a little." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry got the date of the American revolution wrong by two centuries. What is it with the right wing? Michele Bachmann doesn't know where the 'Shot Heard 'Round the World' took place, Sarah Palin doesn't know why Paul Revere went on his ride, Rick Perry doesn't know that 1776 happened in the 1700's. These aren't gotcha questions. I know this sounds mean about Rick Perry, but if he was a child, you'd leave him behind." –Bill Maher

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It's two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh, but still it's a start." –Bill Maher

"Bill O'Reilly calls them drug traffickers and crackheads, he says they're out here having sex outside at night. Bill O'Reilly – the only man in America who'd make Andy Rooney seem hip. He also said they're practicing free love, as opposed to the kind Bill tried to practice and cost him a fortune in legal fees." –Bill Maher

"Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda." –David Letterman

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They've started to attract a very unsavory element – celebrities." –Craig Ferguson

"The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they're sponsoring them." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning on the 'Today' show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him 'dad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The new iPhone 4S comes out tomorrow. If you are not already standing outside in line, it's too late. The line for the iPhone 5 starts up Monday. … You watch TV and they say our economy is on life support. If we can afford $400 for a phone whose main difference appears to be that there's a letter 'S' on it, how bad could things be?" –Jimmy Kimmel

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show." –Bill Maher

"If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions." –Bill Maher

"It's the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." –Conan O'Brien

"Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog." –David Letterman

"A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That's right, a mythical creature who probably doesn't exist. Or as Republicans call that, 'a presidential candidate.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said 'Look at me. Do I look like I'm ready to race anyone?'" –Bill Maher

"Very sadly, the great white dope, Sarah Palin – yes, our long national nightmare is over – she said she would not enter the race. I am of two minds about this; as an American, I thank you Sarah. As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider." –Bill Maher

"Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, 'If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself.' And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, 'Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black." –Bill Maher

"On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn't handle the two-year commitment." –Seth Meyers

"Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr." –Jay Leno

"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen." –Jay Leno

"Under Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that's his chances of becoming president." –Jay Leno

"There's a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don't pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year." –Jay Leno

"This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin won't run for president. Who better to lead us out of the troubles of the world than a half-term governor from Alaska?" –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin went on Fox News and said Paul Revere talked her out of running for president." –David Letterman

"You folks feeling the economic pinch? That's why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are now accepting chickens." –David Letterman

"Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected." –David Letterman

"Palin said she could help the country more by not running for president. Today, John McCain said, 'Why didn't you tell me that three years ago?'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is not running for president, but she says she will help other candidates get elected. Yeah, those other candidates are named Barack Obama and Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a bill in Florida to repeal the state ban on dwarf tossing. Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?" –Jimmy Kimmel

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

Tonight-Show, political-humor, satire, jokes, humor, comedy, latenight-jokes, Jay-Leno, David-Letterman, Leno, Letterman, Jimmy-Fallon, Jimmy-Kimmel, Bill-Maher, Seth Meyers, Conan-O'Brien,

"The Republican presidential candidates had a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing." –David Letterman

"They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river." –David Letterman

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien

"Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what I love most about that speech to the Congressional joint session? The awesome cutaways to uncomfortable Republicans." –Jon Stewart

"Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks." –Jay Leno

"Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, 'In fact, I'll do it right now. OK, I hate it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"The biggest applause line of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Holy ****!" –Jon Stewart, on the Republican presidential debate

"Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: 'Don’t mess with Texes.' In high school voted 'Most likely to execute 200+ people.' Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts." –Conan O'Brien

"You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry also defended his claim that Social Security is nothing but a Ponzi scheme. Michele Bachmann jumped on that. She told them flat out, "Hey, it has to be either a Fonzi scheme or a Potsie scheme. There was no ponzi..." –Jay Leno

"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel." –David Letterman

"During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman." –Jay Leno

"A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain's running of the bulls. Right. If there's one thing Arizona is missing it's thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives." –Jimmy Fallon

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time." –Jay Leno

"I read Dick Cheney's book. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president's life was Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann is publishing her memoir. Why can't we pray that away?" –David Letterman

"The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands?" –David Letterman

"The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive." –Jay Leno

"The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry." –Jay Leno

"Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures, and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It's like I have a twin." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney's new memoir will be a best seller. I think it's published by 'Simon & Shooter.'" –David Letterman

"If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney's memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a 'Harry Potter' book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other's nipples. Then they heard about Cheney's book coming out." –Craig Ferguson

"Reviewers say Cheney's book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush's dog Barney. He says, 'That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.'" –Craig Ferguson

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

"Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called 'You Might Want to Skip This.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas." –Craig Ferguson

"There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman

"The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien

"Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Stephen Colbert

"There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration." -- Stephen Colbert

"It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'" –Jon Stewart

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America: "You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis." –Stephen Colbert

[Clip about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: "He's close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy."] Jon Stewart: "And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor."

BTW - Most of the late-night shows have been in reruns.

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]