Sooner Be Blue

"You're here on a good night. So far, none of our guests have cancelled. By the way, if you had a chance to get to Central Park today, did you see that David Blaine, you know what I'm talking about, the street magician. Here was a guy who was hanging for 60 hours in Central Park. And overnight, they left him. He was just hanging there. ... It's the same thing McCain did to me last night." --David Letterman

 

"I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here's how it works. You don't come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day." --David Letterman

 

"That's how it works. Yeah, McCain got out of last night's show. I wasn't so lucky. But McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the big government bailout, you know. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election. But that's a different deal." --David Letterman

 

"President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?" --Jay Leno

 

"As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying 'we have to act now, we have to act now.' It's like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!" –Jay Leno

 

"Actually, when Senator John McCain got personally involved in the bailout yesterday. Did you hear about this? Oh, it was unbelievable. John McCain was supposed to be a guest on David Letterman's show last night. And an hour before he was supposed to be on, he called Dave. Now, you never cancel an hour before. But he called and said, 'I got to get back to Washington. I'm on my way to the airport right now.' And Letterman was very gracious about it. So the guest dropped out at the last minute. I thought Letterman was very gracious. Then during Dave's show, they noticed on the feed McCain is in another building across the street doing an interview with Katie Couric when he's supposed to be with Letterman. Let me tell you, lying to the American people, that's one thing. But when you lie to a talk show host, there is no more heinous crime in this country." --Jay Leno

 

"And you know, John McCain wanted to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin now wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map. So we'll see what happens there." --Jay Leno

 

"Of course, everyone still talking about Sarah Palin. A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn't care about Jews or black people. Yeah. Palin insists that's not true, and says Alaska has one of each." --Conan O'Brien

 

"And then, after McCain canceled being on the show, he rushed right back to Washington to deal with the economic crisis, and I thought, whoa, well, he sure nipped that in the bud, didn't he?" --David Letterman

 

"Yup, John McCain said to me the economy 'is about to crater.' You folks worried about the economy? Whoo! Not me. Not me. I’ve got all my money in second-hand FEMA trailers." --David Letterman

 

"Oh, but Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N., and she was a big hit. She's over there meeting all of the world leaders. She's still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville." --David Letterman

 

"And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

 

"Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. While she was here, her family took the ferry to visit the Statue of Liberty. When she saw the ferry, Palin said: 'Can’t we build a bridge to that thing? It would be easier to get there.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"No, no, he said he'd like to postpone the presidential debate until he's, you know, ahead in the polls." --Jay Leno

 

"In fact, right after he announced that, Sarah Palin said, 'That's okay, I don't really need him anyway.'" --Jay Leno

 

"In fact, his speech was a special episode of 'The Biggest Loser.' Yeah, it was good." --Jay Leno

 

"Do you even understand this Bush economic plan? Do you understand how it works? See, here's how it works. When you screw up, you pay. When they screw up, you pay! Yeah, actually very simple." --Jay Leno

 

"Some financial analysts are saying we're bailing out institutions with money we don't have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, 'Could you take my name off the bill?" --Jay Leno

 

"Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, 'Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years.'" --Jay Leno

 

"And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'?" --Jay Leno

 

It's a very exciting time here in New York City. Yesterday Sarah Palin took some time away from real America to visit New York City. Her team of mushers safely escorted her through the ravenous throng of sodomites, Jews and media elites to get her foreign policy ticket punched with photo-ops with Henry Kissinger, Colombia's Alvaro Uribe, and Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai. Did you know he just had a baby? [on screen: Palin asking Karzai what the name of his new baby is -- Mirwais -- and that it means 'light of the house']. 'Mirwais, huh? What a weird name. My son is named Track. It means something you run around.'" --Jon Stewart

 

"John McCain's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations today for the first time. Yeah, how about that? Up til now, most of her knowledge about foreign countries came from watching the 'Amazing Race.' ... She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska." --Jay Leno

 

"Sarah Palin says she was very impressed with all of the landmarks in New York City. As they were driving over the Hudson River, she said, 'Wow! Your bridges actually go somewhere!'" --Jay Leno

 

"And you know, you can tell Sarah Palin is not really used to New York City. Like, today, she saw five rats, force of habit, skinned them for the pelts." --Jay Leno

 

"Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That's right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds." --Conan O'Brien

 

"More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do." --Jay Leno

 

"The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news." --David Letterman

 

"John McCain is introducing his running mate, Sarah Palin, to the world leaders over at the United Nations. And it was nice. It looked like Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman

 

"By the way, as the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them." --David Letterman

 

"This is what I love about this whole thing. This is what Congress said today. 'The days of getting money just for the asking are over.' And then they asked for $700 billion. See, you know the way a bailout works? Here's the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't fail." --Jay Leno

 

"And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'" --Jay Leno

 

"The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher

 

"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and next thing you know he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher

 

"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher

 

"Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?" --Bill Maher

 

"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher

 

"Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros." --Bill Maher

 

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

 

"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno

 

"And at a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a Mini Cooper, if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

 

"Actually, the members of Blacks Against Obama, pretty serious group. Although not nearly as militant as Bathroom Attendants Against Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

 

"Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom." --David Letterman

 

"And now, of course, going head-to-head you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They're already putting together debates. Here's how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question he wants a five-minute nap. That's the way that's going to go down." --David Letterman

 

"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it's something he would never use. That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library." --Conan O'Brien

 

"And in political news, Barack Obama was endorsed by Al Gore at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit yesterday. I tell you something, you could feel the excitement in the room. It was unbelievable. And then Al Gore walked in." --Jay Leno

 

"And a New York congressman by the name of Anthony Weiner has introduced a bill to grant immigrant visas to supermodels that want to come here. See, this will clear up the problem of supermodels hanging out in front of Home Depot all day looking for work." --Jay Leno

 

"Hey, remember Elian Gonzalez, the Cuban boy that came here and then was sent back home? Well, he's now 14 years old and has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union, which is the second most popular organization for Cubans to join, after the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

 

"In a recent interview, President Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He says you don't get a second chance to do things over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about? Wasn't that supposed to be the chance to fix all this?" --Jay Leno

 

"Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others. Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope." --Jon Stewart

 

"It's already having a ripple effect, this gay marriage thing. In fact, since it was instituted, marriage proposals to Liza Minnelli have dropped 65 percent." --Jay Leno

 

"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno

 

"Well, you see, unlike Massachusetts, California has no residency requirement for marriage, so a lot of gays from out of state can come here and get married. In fact, if you're gay, and you can prove you're in the country illegally, they'll not only give you a gay marriage license, they'll give you a California driver's license." --Jay Leno

 

"And Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced he will happily perform gay weddings. And believe me, if you know our mayor, you know how seriously he takes those wedding vows." --Jay Leno

 

 

"Well, it's all over now. Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill's mouth." --David Letterman

 

"But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I'm telling you, at my age, I'm just happy to see a president who's older than I am, you know what I mean?" --David Letterman

 

"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

 

"How about that Mitt Romney? ... He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket. ... He looks like the piano player at an upscale department store. ... He looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand. ... He looks like a guy who is married to an over the hill actress. ... He looks like a guy who would brag about his cholesterol. ... He looks like the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going" --David Letterman

 

"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped." --Jay Leno

 

"How about the (Super Bowl) commercials? There's some good ones. How about the one, mytalkingstain.com? ... A stain that can talk. This sounds like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno

 

"You know what's amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital." --Jay Leno

 

"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? This guy looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus. ... This guy, he looks like an American actor who's popular in Germany. ... He looks like a contractor you'd have to sue, this Mitt Romney. ... He looks like the neighbor with the neat garage, that Mitt Romney. ... You remember Mitt Romney from the '80s? He was Mr. Goodwrench." --David Letterman

 

"John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people. And today, to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich." --Jay Leno

 

"You know what's interesting? How the GOP candidates are sniping at each other. Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor?"--Jay Leno

 

"Well, we had President Bush's last State of the Union. ... How many saw this speech? ... When are we going to fit this guy for a helmet?" --Bill Maher

 

"I hope Americans learn one thing -- never again elect a black-out drinker. ... This is the guy who parks his car on the front lawn and says, 'How did that get there?'" --Bill Maher

 

"Hillary and Obama debated at the Kodak Theatre. The camera showed so many celebrities in the audience, I thought I was watching a Lakers game. ... Hillary and Obama. Is it just me or did they look like the local weekend news anchor team? 'Over to you, Hillary. That is a lot of puppies. Thank you.'" --Bill Maher

 

"This is who the Democrats brought out to Kodak Theatre -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Bagota is dead.'" --Bill Maher

 

"Speaking of dead, the Republicans had their debate at the Reagan Library. They opened the debate -- I couldn't make this up -- with a shot of Reagan's diary. The actual handwritten, leather-bound Reagan diary with a little key. I swear to God, Anderson Cooper said he was afraid to even touch it ... like it was something out of Harry Potter. Republicans don't want to have a debate, they want to have a seance. They want to bring back Reagan's ghost and have him run the country, hovering over your bed like Eva Longoria in that movie." --Bill Maher

 

"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher

 

"The other guy who dropped out last week I have the highest regards for -- John Edwards. That's his platform that they are running on. He worked his ass off. He never got enough oxygen with those two show ponies in the race. It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney shows up." --Bill Maher

 

"I think Hillary is getting a little too sensitive. Like when they asked her about the surge, she said she didn't want to talk about Barack's poll numbers." --Jay Leno

 

"I asked my daughter who she liked for president today. She told me she likes Obama because he has big ears like Will Smith. You know, ear size is one of the key issues with young people nowadays." --Jimmy Kimmel