Sooner Be Blue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2009/2/21

Late-night jokes recap 2/21

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@ 06:33 AM (8 months, 19 days ago)
 
"Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He's been there 19,421 days. That's the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don't count federal prison." --Jay Leno
 
"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama’s Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson
 
"In an interview with Fox News, Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, 18-year-old Bristol Palin -- remember Bristol Palin, who had the baby? Well, she talked in the interview. She said, 'A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate.' Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions." --Jay Leno
 
"I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson
 
"Well, here's the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail." --Jay Leno
 
"More bad news for Senator Burris. Now, the Chicago Sun-Times is calling for his resignation. Remember, he was appointed by Governor Blagojevich. Now he could be in trouble for perjury and for giving conflicting statements in his testimony about campaign contributions. See, that's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." --Jay Leno
 
"There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno
 
"And one of the hardest hit businesses in this failing economy is plastic surgery. Fewer and fewer people are getting plastic surgery. How ironic is that? The one time you really need a smile on your face, you can't even afford to get it." --Jay Leno
 
"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. It is in such bad shape that today, three stock brokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts." --Jay Leno
 
"The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn't do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney." --Jay Leno
 
"And in Venezuela, a referendum passed that will allow Hugo Chavez to keep running for president indefinitely. So down there, it will be kind of like what Ralph Nader does here." --Jay Leno
 
"Meanwhile, while Obama's signing the stimulus package bill in Denver, John McCain was busy at Denny's, sectioning his grapefruit." --David Letterman
 
"A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman!" --Craig Ferguson
 
"Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno
 
"After withdrawing his name for commerce secretary, Sen. Judd Gregg said he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama, to which Joe Biden said, 'Don't worry about it. I do it all the time.'" --Jay Leno
 
"Last week, an American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia. And Sarah Palin said she could see the collision from her house." --Jay Leno
 
"Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie." --David Letterman
 
"Marvel Comics has come out with a special edition comic book where Spider-Man and Captain America go back in time to watch Abraham Lincoln deliver the Gettysburg Address. It's true. Yeah, so this story finally answers the question, what would happen if Michael Phelps ran Marvel Comics?" --Conan O'Brien
 

2009/2/10

Late-night jokes recap 2/10

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@ 06:43 PM (8 months, 29 days ago)

"President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes." --Jay Leno

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2009/1/25

Late-night jokes recap 1/25/09

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@ 07:27 AM (9 months, 16 days ago)


"And even though there was a lot of coverage of the inauguration here, in Iran, state TV completely ignored it — no film, no radio. It was like the inauguration wasn’t even happening. I’m sorry, that was Fox News." --Jay Leno

Read the rest of this entry ... (911 words left)

2009/1/10

Late-night jokes recap 1/10/09

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@ 06:25 AM (10 months, 1 day ago)
 
"ABC has a new reality show about how our government protects our borders, waterways, and airports. Have you seen this? It’s called “Homeland Security USA,” or, as they call it in Afghanistan, “the Terrorist Learning Channel.”--Jay Leno
 
"Well, that’s the name of the show: “Homeland Security USA.” I think that’s better than the original title, which was “Hey, Not So Fast, Ahmed.”--Jay Leno
 
"The World Health Organization announced this week a new outbreak of the bird flu. Quite serious. The bird flu is the most threatening bird-related disease, I guess, since the invention of the Chicken McNuggets."--Jay Leno
 
"Well, there was a historic meeting in Washington this week. Yesterday, Barack Obama and all the former US presidents met at the Oval Office. Did you see it? All the living ex-presidents were there. Jimmy Carter, George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney. All of them were there. And, of course, you know, being president-elect is kind of awkward because Barack Obama didn’t have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in common." --Jay Leno
 
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, an historic day down in Washington because five living presidents had lunch together. George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all at the White House, all having lunch. What a day. And while this was going on, John McCain was at Applebee's blowing on his soup." --David Letterman
 
"I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman
 
"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman
 
"Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it’s about time. Don’t you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch “Dancing with the Stars” openly." --Jay Leno
 
"I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe." --Jay Leno
 
"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman
 
"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman
 
"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno
 
"Actually, it looks like Roland Burris will get his Senate seat. But Senate leaders said not until his certificate is signed by the Illinois secretary of state. They say this has been the rule since 1884. They've never, ever waivered from this. Of course, over the past eight years, they've waved rules against, you know, torture and spying on Americans and violating the Constitution, but never the little signature." --Jay Leno
 
"I love this part. Roland Burris was turned away because they said he didn't meet the high standards of the Senate. Gee. I wonder which senator turned him down. Do you think it was the one who embezzled the money? Maybe it was the one that got caught with the hooker? I know, I'll bet it was the one caught fornicating near the urinal in the airport bathroom. That was the one, exactly." --Jay Leno
 
"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno
 
"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay Leno
 
"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says 'hope for the future' like General Motors. ... The good news is that at least they sold one car, apparently." --Conan O'Brien
 
"The Secret Service has unveiled a new state-of-the-art limousine for Barack Obama. A million dollars for this state-art-limousine. Meanwhile, today, John McCain closed a deal on a used LeSabre. But the limousine is massive. It's a three ton, it's a tank-like vehicle, or, as GM calls it, it's a compact." --David Letterman
 
"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like limousine is shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman
 
"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno
 
"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien
 
"And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay Leno
 
"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno
 

2008/12/25

Late-night jokes recap 12/26/08

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@ 07:59 PM (10 months, 16 days ago)
 
 
"It is freezing everywhere. It was so cold in Washington, even Bill and Hillary were snuggling." --Jay Leno
 
"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno
 
"In fact, over on “24,” I saw Jack Bauer torturing a snowman. That’s how cold it is." --Jay Leno
 
"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno
 
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview on '60 Minutes' on Sunday that, if the Constitution allowed it, he would like to run for president. Yeah. Yeah. There's a switch, a Republican being stopped by the Constitution, when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno
 
"The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers." --Jay Leno
 
"NBC is showing, once again, the classic movie 'It's a Wonderful Life.' See, it is so different today. See, when they made that movie, back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing." --Jay Leno
 
"Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him." --Jay Leno
 
"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno
 
"What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I’m telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas party." --David Letterman
 
"The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold." --David Letterman
 
"Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they’ll give you your money back." --David Letterman
 
"And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It’s a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money." --David Letterman
 
"One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats." --David Letterman
 
"The shoe-tossing guy in Iraq, you know, he wrote a letter to President Bush and he apologized. He said, “Dear president Bush, I’m sorry I threw a shoe at you.” And I was thinking, wait a minute. When is President Bush going to apologize for invading Iraq?" --David Letterman
 
"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman
 
"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman
 
"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you’re thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien
 
"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama’s team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That’s the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn’t leave office." --Conan O'Brien
 
"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien
 
"According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey." --Conan O'Brien
 
"In a new interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White House. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I'd better go break the bad news to the Wiggles." --Conan O'Brien