Sooner Be Blue

"Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. “Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.”

 

Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread.

 

And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton’s brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother.

 

There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes.
Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn’t had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?

 

And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them.

 

And because of our huge budget crisis, California’s now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, “That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.”

 

 

"Cold outside right now. And I’m not a weatherman, but they say this frigid weather is coming off a cold front between New York Gov. David Paterson and Caroline Kennedy. That’s causing a frost.

Out in the Midwest, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was so cold he was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.

Scary moment for Gov. Blagojevich earlier today. Several geese were sucked into his hair.

Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts’ office today when he screwed up the words to “Happy Birthday.”

Well, it looks like that prison, that detention center, in Guantanamo Bay is being closed. And people say, “Well, what are you going to do with all those folks who are down there, all those suspected terrorists and thugs and goons and nasty, awful people?” We’re going to bring them up here to the Ed Sullivan Theater and put them in the audience.

But listen to this. They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off.

How about the Obama family in the White House? Have you seen them? The kids? The Obama girls love living in the White House. They think it’s fantastic. There was just one complaint that the girls had about living in the White House. They claim that there’s a portrait of Dick Cheney on the wall, and they claim the eyes in that portrait actually move.

But that’s not all. At midnight, the Obama girls hear creepy organ music coming from Cheney’s dungeon.

But Dick Cheney, you’ve got to give him credit. He’s enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey.

Actually, Cheney is relaxing at his ranch, the Triple Bypass.

And listen to this. It’s an amazing thing, but after eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?"

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com

 

"Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?

President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that’s not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?

Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it preempted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called “30 Rocks.”

And President Obama said today when it comes to passing a stimulus package, “We can’t afford distractions” or “delays.” And, of course, you know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee. He was furious.

President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?

Oh, last night, we talked about how Citigroup took $50 million of the bailout money we gave them and bought a corporate jet. Well, Citigroup now says they were not going to take possession of the jet. They said they’re going to lose money on it because they put a huge deposit on it, but they now realize it was a mistake. They said this is the most overpriced jet since Brett Favre.

And on “Good Morning America,” Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said he considered offering the vacant Senate seat to Oprah Winfrey, but changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car.

And disgraced baseball player Jose Canseco fought to a draw with former child star Danny Bonaduce this past weekend in a celebrity boxing match. Did you ever see Canseco? He’s huge! What is he, 80 pounds heavier and a foot taller than Danny Bonaduce? And he’s on steroids! You still can’t beat him?"

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com

 

"This economy is crazy. Are you with me on that one? This is what I saw today. I saw a Lehman Brothers executive walking around town wearing a sign that read, 'Will work for a seven-figure bonus.'" –David Letterman

 

"Russia apparently has test-fired long-range ballistic missiles. At least that's what Sarah Palin says she saw from her house." --David Letterman

 

"Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It happens." --David Letterman

 

"Tomorrow night is the final presidential debate, and John McCain is going to take this opportunity to unveil his new campaign persona, his new campaign personality, to really energize the last couple of weeks of the campaign: Fighting underdog. And if that doesn't work, then he's going to go to sadistic yard bull." --David Letterman

 

"This week on the campaign trail, John McCain made some news. He talked about his next debate with Barack Obama, and he said, “I'm going to whip his you-know-what.' Then, McCain vowed to 'hit Obama in the whatchamacallit' and 'kick him in the thingamajig.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again." --Jay Leno

 

"The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin's reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, 'Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'" --Jay Leno

 

"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nalin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nalin' Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'" --Jay Leno

 

"More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years." --Jay Leno

 

"So far, more than 10,000 acres have been burned. Yesterday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared. Or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an eclair. It's hard to tell." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"You probably saw this on the news. A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she's not ready for Washington?" --Jay Leno

 

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, 'Turn that crap down!'" --Jay Leno

 

"Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that's why they're closed. God, you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed more banks than President Bush. Isn't that amazing?" --Jay Leno

 

"The average price of a gallon of gas has had its biggest drop ever this week also. It's now down to $3.30 a gallon. Remember $3.30 a gallon? That's the price you used to get outraged about a year ago." --Jay Leno

 

"The third presidential debate is Wednesday night, and John McCain says he's going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working." --David Letterman

 

"Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office." --David Letterman

 

"Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher

 

"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barrack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher

 

"But all this doesn't matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. ... And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess." --Bill Maher

 

"See, politics is very, very tricky. It's a very, very tricky thing. It's too close to call. Well, Barack is ahead now, but you never know what can happen. You gotta remember: politics is like sex. There's always going to be one side that's horribly disappointed." --Jay Leno